Resolutions...a Little Early

I should be working on Howie's Christmas present, cleaning the house or doing something productive. But there is something I need to blurt out before I get back to the to-do list.

For an unconventional relationship, Howie and I function fairly well. We live a plane flight away from each other, but usually manage to keep our relationship sexy and exciting through texting or talking daily and seeing each other on a semi-regular basis. The one biggest challenge between us is my jealousy and insecurity.

In a lot of ways, this is the worst time of the year for me. Because of my job, I've barely seen sunlight since September, which I know has an impact on my mood. I don't celebrate Christmas, and it's hard for me to get into the holiday spirit when I don't have anything to celebrate. Christmas parties are fun, but then comes the letdown of being the Jewish kid eating Chinese food and watching movies on Christmas.

The other worst part of the season for me are actually the Christmas parties. I start dreading this time of year around Thanksgiving because I know that there are many parties coming up, none of which we will be attending together. A few years ago, probably before I started really caring about him so much, Howie and I had a quickie in the car before I headed off to the airport and he headed off to a party. A parting though was that he wouldn't be hooking up with anyone else because he had just had sex with me. At the time, that sentiment made more sense. Nowadays, we don't have a monogamy commitment, but have an understanding that we aren't going to go off and have random sex with someone else. At the time he had that thought, it probably was realistic because we weren't as emotionally committed to each other then, our deeper emotional connection is something that has come with time.

But, with my crazy girl brain, I stored that piece of meaningless knowledge away for years, along with a few other similar sentiments (and I know I'm not guilt-free in saying hurtful things, I absolutely say things without meaning to). We've even talked about how him saying that made me feel, and I know that our friendship is so important to both of us that throwing it away for some meaningless ass would be a big waste. He's also repeated teenage girl rhetoric at me about a man that cheats on you isn't worth your time. Which in my 30s I should clearly believe.

I should also throw in here that Howie has no such worries. I don't want to hypothesize on his thought process, but I know he trusts me to be a sane adult, and to tell him if I am involved with someone else.

Now back to crazy girl brain. Knowing that I am insecure and jealous, I've tried really hard to watch what I said over the last few weeks and I truly do believe that there is no cheating going on anywhere. But on Friday, I snapped. And the words were like a train wreck coming out of my mouth. I'm not going to go into the specifics of what were said, but it started with me asking him to call me on his way home and him telling me he'd text since it would probably be late (and I have the cough of doom and have spent days passed out on my couch). Totally a reasonable answer, but crazy girl brain took it to mean that he didn't want to talk and/or would be too busy getting his cock sucked by someone else. And it all went downhill from there, culminating in jealousy that he was dancing with other girls while I watched reruns of bad cooking shows and coughed (very attractively, of course) while whining about never being taken dancing. Which I also decided to continue into Saturday morning.

I'd like to think that crazy girl brain has gotten better over the last few years, but really I'm not so sure. I think I'm just more aware of what I said, and the collateral damage that I leave behind.

Every year, Howie and I come up with a New Year's resolution together. We've tossed around a few ideas for this year, but haven't yet picked one. He, however, has a list of personal resolutions a mile long, while my only response to the question was "mehhhhhhhh." I've decided that this is my personal resolution for the year: I'm going to work on my jealousy and insecurity issues. I know I'm a smart, cute and funny woman, but I sometimes lose faith in myself and take it out unnecessarily on those closest to me.

So, I'll end this long rambling post with a public apologize to Howie. He puts up with a lot of crap from me, and is a really good friend for doing so. And I look forward to another year of making (or breaking) our joint resolution together.

Rape Fantasy

So I'll start this off by saying that the ONLY way I'd explore a rape fantasy is with someone I trust completely. I once pushed my comfort levels with a past partner and was tied up and fucked when I wasn't necessarily comfortable with the situation. Howie is someone that I've known for years, and as I talked about in my Sexual Boundaries post, I know that he would stop well before anything got out of hand or I was physically or emotionally hurt.

The other day Howie and I were talking about some drama and something being like a soap opera and he sent me the following texts (slightly grammatically cleaned up): Oooo can it be one of those latin soap operas where you and I have a fight!? You slap me across the face, and I grab you and pull you in for a passionate kiss? You try to fight me off but you give in begrudgingly, because you are still pissed at me. You are still pissed, but your soaking wet pussy betrays you and allows me to have my way. Then I betray your pussy and bend you over a table, pull up your skirt and begin to rape your ass.

He quickly followed it up by saying: Well, I guess that is more rape than soap opera, but you know what I mean. 

My first reaction probably wasn't the same as most people's would be, I thought about the fact that I would never hit him. I love a good smacking and some pinches, but I don't think I could ever hit him more than a playful swat on the ass.

To me, this is more of a fight fantasy than a rape fantasy, even if it did include nonconsensual sex. This scenario would absolutely be high up on my list, but I think that my rape fantasy would be slightly different. For one, I wouldn't want him fucking my ass like that- getting my ass fucked leaves me feeling emotionally raw, and I wouldn't want it to happen with any anger, even fake anger, as part of the scenario. I'd also want it to have more of an element of surprise than the outcome of a fight. Maybe have him lurking around my bedroom when I come home from work and don't expect him, or to have him pop up outside my house and drag me inside. The best part would be having him bend me over the table and hold me down as he fucked me, without being able to move or have any control. 

I've listened to a number of podcasts about playing out this type of scenario, and know that it all has to be well planned out ahead of time. Dan Savage had some very sage advice in a podcast that I listened to a few years ago and wish I had kept. I wouldn't want Howie to appear and blindfold me without letting me know who was doing it. But planning out the scenario and then having it happen at a date of his choosing would be perfect. The anticipation of knowing that the fantasy is eminent would keep me in a heightened state of awareness, possibly for weeks.

Has anyone else ever thought about being raped like this by someone that they love and trust? Is it something too dangerous to even consider? 

Wrapped

I try to give Howie a homemade and/or personal present every year for Christmas and his birthday. Some years have been better than others...last birthday was an epic failure with some 'pornigami' that turned into a few scrappy cat faces and a heart. I turned to alcohol after several hours attempting to make a pussy and failing miserably every time. Better received presents include a set of handmade (and relationship appropriate) sex coupons and list of memories: one for every year he had been alive.

 

I'm sure he'll read this eventually, but I'm struggling with what to make him this year. I tried out my new vibrator last night, and it is so stellar that I'm not sure what I can and should give him. Cookies or a mix tape just seem so inadequate after a present that will keep on giving for a long while to come. Or cum. Heh.

 

I know already what Howie is going to say after he reads this. That I don't need to give him a present and that he's happy that he is able to give me something that I'll enjoy, and that we will probably enjoy together at some point. I could always buy him a gift card or a shirt or one of the other random presents that you buy people, but I really like presents with some thought and creativity behind them.

 

So, my readers, what are some of the best presents that you've given to a lover or significant other? Anything from a handmade and crafty gife to a trip around the world or some amazing piece of art that you hang in your house and look at every day. I'm excited for your inputs!

Shopping Trip

Howie and I are going to go through a period where we won't see each other very often over the next few months. To ease the pain, he offered to buy me a toy as a holiday present. After a little prodding at the cost, I accepted. The other part of the deal was me going to buy the toy, since we won't be seeing each other for a few weeks.

I have a love/hate relationship with sex toys. I started off with cheaper, and plastic-y smelling, toys before I knew any better. An old boyfriend bought me one of my first toys: a giant smelly rabbit which just felt uncomfortable inside of me. I usually get myself off quickly and easily just playing with my clit when I'm alone, and it seemed like such an effort to play with the toy since I could cum faster with my fingers.

From there, I regressed to a smaller bullet vibe for my clit, which I loved for a long time, but eventually started to feel boring. My sex life was getting so interesting and having a tiny vibe just didn't fit the rest of the picture.

I did some experimenting over the next few years, including a really nice g-spot vibe, a smaller silicon dildo and eventually bought a beautiful glass dildo that was more artwork than sex toy. Howie and I enjoyed using it for temperature play, but the glass was so unforgiving inside my body. We've also included some anal toys into our collection over the past year or so, but those are stories for another time.

Anyways, back to my shopping trip. Within 24 hours of Howie making the offer, I was gleefully driving down to my local 'couples shop'. It took me about a year and a half after living here to find this shop, but it is really terrific. It is one part BDSM and kinky toys and equipment, another part toys for men, has a huge selection of lubes and condoms, sexy outfits and sex toys ranging from very cheap to very expensive. My first shopping trip to the store a few months back included a few girlfriends who grew up going to Catholic school, and only now are becoming interested in exploring their sexuality. I spent about two hours walking all over the store with them explaining different toys and hearing their shocks of horror (while I giggled behind my hands) over toys that I've enjoyed playing with in the past.

When I arrived, I knew exactly where to head in the store because of the amount of time I've spent there. There is one small area with the more expensive vibes, and I had my eye set on one of three brands: Lelo, We-Vibe and one other one that I can't remember the name of, but also looked and smelled good. I decided against the We-Vibe because it seems the most useful during partner play, and this is a toy all about me! It came down to the nameless vibe and the Lelo. After touching both materials for at least 10 minutes, I decided to go towards Lelo.

Then came the tricky party: which type to choose. I knew I wanted something for penetration, but then got stuck between a g-spot or a larger vibe. Howie and I have been spending a lot of time on my g-spot recently because I REALLY want to be able to squirt, but I don't think I'll spend that much time practicing on my own. In the end, I decided that I wanted something to make up for all the cock that I'll be missing and decided to go with the larger one.

I chatted with another knowledgeable saleswoman on my way out, and also came away with a bottle of System Jo brand warming lube and another small bottle of pineapple flavored lube. I love the smell and taste of cock, but sometimes it's fun to make my very own pina colada flavored snack. I've used a little bit of Jo lube before, and really enjoy how smooth it is and how it doesn't leave any sticky feeling behind.

I haven't been able to try any of my new purchases out yet, but know that I'll be doing so very soon. And I'll let you all know how it goes after I do!