I've been doing a lot of thinking about Aziz over the Ramadan period, partially instigated by a current friend's situation. This friend is a stoic type of man, but clearly very involved and in love with both his wife and his children. His wife recently began having an emotional affair with another, and they are currently discussing a separation. I've gotten close with this friend over the last year, and often compare workouts and discuss social plans and books. There is no emotional connection between us, but he's someone I enjoy chatting with as a friend. Listening to him agonize about his wife, and her accusations (partially founded) that he isn't as emotionally involved with her as he should be, I can't help but think about Aziz.
Over the months that we've been dating, Aziz hasn't taken the proper time to get to know me. He doesn't know that a specific day of the week is deadlift day or what my favorite meal is. When I ask him about his day, the only response I get is "fine" and maybe a little bit more. Is this enough for me? I want and need both a physical and emotional connection from my partner. I need to know that he is totally focused on me and that I am the center of his world. Maybe its a problem with the language barrier. Or maybe its a symptom of Ramadan and that he won't see me. But I want to hear more about his day and his friends, and I want to be included in his post-fast meals, not just as an extra to visit well after sundown. I'm not sure if what Aziz is offering is enough for me.
I saw Aziz for the first time since Ramadan began a few nights ago, when I insisted that I see him before I left for a trip that will take thru the remainder of the fast period. I know that I am so irresistible for him. We sat in the car and kissed a little bit, and he couldn't even look at me (even though I was wearing gross old PJ pants and a t-shirt) when I left because he was so afraid that he'd follow me into the house. In some aspects, that feels great- knowing that I have the power to make him feel like that. But he needs to be able to control himself enough to see me and be part of my life, unless I'm just a piece of ass to him. And if I'm just a piece of ass, let's just leave it at that. We can fuck and have a whole bunch of great orgasms, but don't need to have an emotional connection.
Another twist that I didn't discuss in the June dating update is another person I've gone on a few dates with- Mike. I was so furious with Aziz when he brought up Ramadan, that I decided to go on a date with someone else. In so many ways, Mike is what I want. Educated, fun, similar interests and caring. The one downside is that I don't feel the level of chemistry that I feel with Aziz with Mike. Mike and I have amazing and fun dates, but kissing him doesn't get me hot and bothered. I've given him four dates now, and the feeling hasn't changed.
I'm currently sitting waiting for delayed flights that are going to get me to my destination well after 2am. I told both men about the situation and the possibility of me sleeping in the airport. Mike's response what that even though he was going to sleep, he'd be waiting for my texts and wanted me to keep him posted on my progress. Aziz's response was "gosh."
This all comes down to what is more important to me. Am I willing to feel like a second class citizen to Aziz for some really hot sex? Do I forego the hot sex for a steady relationship with Mike? Or do I throw them both away and start over? I'm feeling more and more like waiting for Aziz is not what I should be doing- especially knowing that he has a number of commitments that will keep him busy through September. I just want it to work so badly and we would be such a fairytale couple if we were able to make it work. And I also wish he would help me understand why after waiting for me for three years he isn't interested in making an effort to keep me.
I know I'm not going to get answers to any of these questions as I sit here tonight, but writing all of this certainly helps to put it in perspective. And even though I'm not really ready to write the words down, the perspective kinda sucks. So I guess this is a story to be continued....
