Sexual Cravings

I crave rough sex more than anything else. I'll never forget the first time a lover introduced me to pain in the bedroom. I was on a business trip to a desolate Southern city, and was eating dinner solo in an Applebees's bar...which alone is a sign of trouble. A regular sat down next to me, and, in typical Candi fashion, I had him taking me for post-dinner drinks at the hillbilly bar next door. I was a good girl that night- and insisted on returning to my hotel room alone. The next night was different. He invited me to his apartment, and cooked what I later found out was the only thing he knew how to make: spaghetti and meatballs. One bowl of mediocre spaghetti later and I was hooked. It didn't take long before our clothes were off and we were rolling around the bedroom. At some point that night, he reached up with his mouth and bit my breasts hard. At first, I was shocked, but then realized that the pain amplified my orgasms. He kept biting and I kept cumming. For the first time ever, I had to wear a scarf at work the next day to cover the bruising. 

My relationship with this lover, we can call him Sean, lasted for about nine long-distance months. It was a relationship of firsts for me: my first long-distance love, my first romantic vacations, and most importantly, my first vibrator and my entry into the world of rough sex. I don't think Sean or I realized that we would become serious, and I headed home a few days after we met. The next few months were filled with talking on the phone and quick weekend visits. Between one of these trips, a surprise package arrived for me with my very own Rabbit, and instructions not to use it until Sean called. That began a period of intense phone sex. In those days before FaceTime and naked selfies, I had to rely on his words, imagery and instruction to get myself off. I found myself enjoying the direction more and more as the weeks went on. Our in-person sex became rougher as we learned more about our interests and fantasies over the phone. Hair pulling, spanking, minor breath play, and of course more biting became the norm.

My relationship with Sean eventually ended, but we stayed in touch for a couple of years after that. We fooled around a few times in between other relationships, and I always relished the sex we had, because I intrinsically trusted him to stop before I had too much. I participated in much more intense scenes during this time, including one memorable occasion where I got fucked in the ass while being choked (within reason) with a partners' tie. So incredibly hot, but it didn't reach the level of what I had with Sean.

All of these other hookups and scenes were missing something, and it took me a long while to figure out what it was. Sean may have been rough and always had his way with me, but he would never do it if we didn't have the time for him to care for me afterwards. He would make it a priority to hold me or snuggle me and make sure that I knew that I was loved and cherished. I wrapped that feeling of security and safety up with the rough sex, and relished the pain because I knew that it was all part of the feelings of safety and love I would get afterwards. Although Sean and I didn't necessarily know what subspace was at the time, he took care of me for as long as I needed. 

I also had very similar experiences with Howie. I knew that I could ask him to do anything to me and he would gladly do it. I could be as hurt and exhausted as I wanted to be at the end of a day of sex, and I always knew that he would help hold me in the shower, and that I'd have a spot ready to snuggle up under his arms.

All of this leads me back to my current craving. I need to get fucked. I have been desiring and wanting and dreaming about rough sex for months. I miss every part of it: my head jerking back as my hair is pulled, someone squeezing my ass so hard that I can't sit the next day, rough stubble dragged all over my tender skin again and again, bite marks covering my body, my hands tied behind my back, spit and cum covering my body, and my head being held down as someone fucks my mouth. 

But entering that headspace for me comes with a cost. I need to be held after and made to feel cherished. The feeling of being loved is wound tightly with the feelings of pain. I've been toying with the idea of getting more involved with fetlife. There is no doubt in my mind that within a week I could have whatever I wanted done to me...except for the aftercare. I'm sure I could find someone with the decency to hold me or shower me, but there is no way that I we would have the level of trust, respect, and understanding that I built up with previous partners over a period of time. 

To me, this doubt could be different things. Part of me wonders if I'm not ready to trust anyone yet. Maybe I need time to heal and have more vanilla sex? But the other part of me just wants to throw myself back out there, to hell with the danger. Everything that happened with Sean and Howie happened because I was lucky to find them. I have had plenty of partners over the years that haven't been able to provide the full package, but have been able to enrich my life in their own special way. Maybe by continuing to play musical partners I'll find what I need? 

All I know for sure is that I'm going to get into bed tonight wishing that I had to sleep on my side because my back had been so torn up by a partner's stubble that the feeling of my soft sheets is too abrasive. Ah, to dream...

The Search to find Mr. New

Over the weekend, I decided to go a little date crazy. My goal was to go on one date a month. I went on three in one weekend. The story starts a few weeks earlier. I had been chatting with a cute looking guy on okcupid, but it didn't seem like he was going to make a movie. Another gorgeous guy sent me a very blunt note asking if I'd meet up for a drink. In the meantime, I was home celebrating Christmas, and my cousin decided she wanted to set me with one of her friends. As luck would have it, they all wanted to meet up right away, and so I lined 'em all up.

Now, the lowdown: 

1. Date #1, the hot hipster: HH showed up on his bicycle at a hipster dive bar on New Year's Day night. At first, I was skeptical. He had been out drinking with some buddies during the morning, and was clearly nursing a little big of an evening hangover. Yet we had great conversation and shared many mutual interests. So much of my life has been about work over the last year, and yet we found many other things to talk about beyond work. He walked me to the car at the end of the night, gave me a hug, and texted a few days later to set up another date. 
2. Date #2, cute nerdy scientist: CNS is the original okcupid guy. He made a reservation and a good restaurant and was waiting when I got there. Charming, similar background, interesting work ....aaaaand my height. I'm very short. It doesn't take much to be taller than me, and a huge turn on for me is being dominated and then snuggled by a taller man. We kissed at the end of the date, and he also texted to set up another date.
3. Date #3, cousin setup: CS met me on a miserable rainy day close to my house so that I didn't have to go far. We had a late lunch and the conversation was very much deja vu of the conversation I had with CNS. At the end, he also kissed me, but then texted me later to tell me what a nice time he had.

So here is my dilemma. Three men, three different sets of possibility. HH seems to be a great time. I could see us staying up drinking and going out at night, and then having sloppy drunken sex and doing an embarrassing walk of shame. CNS is a slightly introverted nerd, who would probably be sweet and adoring, but I'm not so sure how he would be in bed. He could be the perfect friend, or person to grow old with, but I also want to be fucked. CS is probably the best combination of the 3. Still very attractive, lots in common, and already some family connection. I'm not sure he'd be interested in kinkery, but I bet I could persuade him to be interested. 

I haven't had myself out on the market for a long time, or for very long. How does this work? I know I can keep dating all of them for a while, but how do people have time for that? Is that normal? How often should I try to see each of them? How long to people wait to have sex these days? Part of me is still a slut who will sleep with anyone, but I don't want to ruin a potential relationship by pulling up my skirt too quickly. 

I guess the moral of the story is that I'm proud of myself for putting myself out there. Throughout parts of the dates, and talking to my friends about them later, all I could think about was Howie and how things used to be with him. To quote a popstarwhoshallnotbenames I know that "we are never ever getting back together" but I still can't help comparing how new men act to him. Eventually I'll be able to move on from my feelings, but Howie set the bar high, and mr. new will have a tough act to follow. 

Who knows, though? If I keep up a dating tempo like this, I could potentially meet a hundred eligible bachelors by the end of the year. Now wouldn't that be a story!