I should be working on Howie's Christmas present, cleaning the house or doing something productive. But there is something I need to blurt out before I get back to the to-do list.
For an unconventional relationship, Howie and I function fairly well. We live a plane flight away from each other, but usually manage to keep our relationship sexy and exciting through texting or talking daily and seeing each other on a semi-regular basis. The one biggest challenge between us is my jealousy and insecurity.
In a lot of ways, this is the worst time of the year for me. Because of my job, I've barely seen sunlight since September, which I know has an impact on my mood. I don't celebrate Christmas, and it's hard for me to get into the holiday spirit when I don't have anything to celebrate. Christmas parties are fun, but then comes the letdown of being the Jewish kid eating Chinese food and watching movies on Christmas.
The other worst part of the season for me are actually the Christmas parties. I start dreading this time of year around Thanksgiving because I know that there are many parties coming up, none of which we will be attending together. A few years ago, probably before I started really caring about him so much, Howie and I had a quickie in the car before I headed off to the airport and he headed off to a party. A parting though was that he wouldn't be hooking up with anyone else because he had just had sex with me. At the time, that sentiment made more sense. Nowadays, we don't have a monogamy commitment, but have an understanding that we aren't going to go off and have random sex with someone else. At the time he had that thought, it probably was realistic because we weren't as emotionally committed to each other then, our deeper emotional connection is something that has come with time.
But, with my crazy girl brain, I stored that piece of meaningless knowledge away for years, along with a few other similar sentiments (and I know I'm not guilt-free in saying hurtful things, I absolutely say things without meaning to). We've even talked about how him saying that made me feel, and I know that our friendship is so important to both of us that throwing it away for some meaningless ass would be a big waste. He's also repeated teenage girl rhetoric at me about a man that cheats on you isn't worth your time. Which in my 30s I should clearly believe.
I should also throw in here that Howie has no such worries. I don't want to hypothesize on his thought process, but I know he trusts me to be a sane adult, and to tell him if I am involved with someone else.
Now back to crazy girl brain. Knowing that I am insecure and jealous, I've tried really hard to watch what I said over the last few weeks and I truly do believe that there is no cheating going on anywhere. But on Friday, I snapped. And the words were like a train wreck coming out of my mouth. I'm not going to go into the specifics of what were said, but it started with me asking him to call me on his way home and him telling me he'd text since it would probably be late (and I have the cough of doom and have spent days passed out on my couch). Totally a reasonable answer, but crazy girl brain took it to mean that he didn't want to talk and/or would be too busy getting his cock sucked by someone else. And it all went downhill from there, culminating in jealousy that he was dancing with other girls while I watched reruns of bad cooking shows and coughed (very attractively, of course) while whining about never being taken dancing. Which I also decided to continue into Saturday morning.
I'd like to think that crazy girl brain has gotten better over the last few years, but really I'm not so sure. I think I'm just more aware of what I said, and the collateral damage that I leave behind.
Every year, Howie and I come up with a New Year's resolution together. We've tossed around a few ideas for this year, but haven't yet picked one. He, however, has a list of personal resolutions a mile long, while my only response to the question was "mehhhhhhhh." I've decided that this is my personal resolution for the year: I'm going to work on my jealousy and insecurity issues. I know I'm a smart, cute and funny woman, but I sometimes lose faith in myself and take it out unnecessarily on those closest to me.
So, I'll end this long rambling post with a public apologize to Howie. He puts up with a lot of crap from me, and is a really good friend for doing so. And I look forward to another year of making (or breaking) our joint resolution together.
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