February has been a strange dating month. I was slightly discouraged at the end of January, and was debating dropping out of the game entirely. Rejection hurts, even when it has to do with someone else's baggage. Yet I managed to pull myself off the floor and back onto OKcupid.
I started chatting with someone based on their interests, not actually assuming it would go anywhere (because, at least for me, 95% of the conversations are duds). Turns out he is almost seven years younger than I am: from early-thirties to mid-twenties. Quite the age gap. Yet we met up to grab coffee and seemed to have some chemistry.
Since I do love to give everyone nicknames, lets call him Abram. After coffee, Abram never really left. He brought me dinner in a snow storm, takes me on dates, complimented the tacos I made for him for a week and is generally a nice guy. We are compatible to the level of lying on the couch for a night binge watching Jinx and talking until the middle of the night. Which is secretly a fabulous night in my books.
But there's one catch. And it is kind of a major one. Abram is concerned by my age, and justifiably so. He made a comment about how it bothered him on our second or third date. And I assumed that I'd never hear from him again after he said that, and I was okay. But he still kept coming back. And texting and calling and all the normal things that people rarely do.
The last time I saw him, a couple of nights ago, we were drinking a bit, and the subject of dating came up. We were talking about what we wanted in a partner, when he asked me if I considered us dating. My response was purposefully vague, because I don't want him to feel pressured. He then made a comment about have been drinking too much and changed the subject. We talked for a few more minutes before he realized that I was cold, and proceeded to pull me into his arms for the next several hours.
And the problems get deeper. Because it wouldn't be a Candi story without problems. We've fooled around exactly once. And it didn't even get that far. Since then, we've kissed and we've snuggled. But all clothing has stayed permanently attached to our body. It doesn't matter what type of seduction technique I've tried, short of sticking my hand down his pants and pulling his cock out, nothing has worked. And I'm rapidly approaching that point.
All of this makes me assume that I've been put safely in the friend zone. But at the same time, he continues to show up at my house every other day and takes me on dates. I talked to Howie about it yesterday (yes, it is quite odd to be talking to my old lover about my new problems. But he's turned into quite the good listener) and he hypothesized that Abram could possibly not be that experienced and that I should keep trying. I find it hard to believe that someone in their mid-twenties could be inexperienced, but it is possible. He also reminded me about how pissed off I'd be if all Abram wanted was to fuck and leave, rather than building a relationship first.
All of that said, I still don't know. I know he's been on OKcupid since we met, which is totally fine because I don't even know if we are dating. Chances are good that he is still looking for someone else since he's been logged in. And I also know that I haven't heard all that much from him since the dating conversation a few days ago, which is slightly unusual for him.
This whole situation reminds me of myself when I was slightly younger than Abram. I met Sean in my mid-twenties when he was in his mid-thirties. Sean was ready to settle down, get married, etc., when I met him. I was so not ready at the time, and eventually drove him away with my immaturity. He ended up cheating on me and then shacking up with someone for a few years, before finding someone else who he married and eventually had a child with. I couldn't be more happy for him. Fast forward almost ten years and there is me, ready to at least have a stable relationship, and a mid-twenty-something living in a rented room. Chances are good that Abram looks at my life and isn't ready to be part of it. In which case, I don't think I can blame him.
Beyond the positive of having a few weeks of good company, I've also learned some interesting tidbits about my sex drive as part of this. If I have someone to be attracted to, my sex drive returns with a vengeance. I had an amazing drive when I was with Howie, even if we didn't see each other for months at a time. The dirty pictures and thoughts kept me going and feeling good about myself. I've always had someone like that in my life, from the time I started thinking about sex in middle school. The last six months was the first time that I haven't had a willing sex partner or plaything. And the lack of that person made me feel so unattractive to myself that I didn't even want to get off. As soon as I started getting turned on by Abram, my sex drive came back. I've watched more porn in the last three weeks than I have in the last six months combined. I hope that I can keep feeling good about myself even if he is no longer in the picture.
This may be the February wrap up, but I have a feeling that there is more to come with this story. It could be spectacularly bad, with me sticking my hand down Abram's pants and not getting the response I was hoping for, or it could be spectacularly good, with a steady sex partner who also will take me to dinner. Stay tuned!!
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