Airport Conundrums

I've been doing a lot of thinking about Aziz over the Ramadan period, partially instigated by a current friend's situation. This friend is a stoic type of man, but clearly very involved and in love with both his wife and his children. His wife recently began having an emotional affair with another, and they are currently discussing a separation. I've gotten close with this friend over the last year, and often compare workouts and discuss social plans and books. There is no emotional connection between us, but he's someone I enjoy chatting with as a friend. Listening to him agonize about his wife, and her accusations (partially founded) that he isn't as emotionally involved with her as he should be, I can't help but think about Aziz. 

Over the months that we've been dating, Aziz hasn't taken the proper time to get to know me. He doesn't know that a specific day of the week is deadlift day or what my favorite meal is. When I ask him about his day, the only response I get is "fine" and maybe a little bit more. Is this enough for me? I want and need both a physical and emotional connection from my partner. I need to know that he is totally focused on me and that I am the center of his world. Maybe its a problem with the language barrier. Or maybe its a symptom of Ramadan and that he won't see me. But I want to hear more about his day and his friends, and I want to be included in his post-fast meals, not just as an extra to visit well after sundown. I'm not sure if what Aziz is offering is enough for me.  

I saw Aziz for the first time since Ramadan began a few nights ago, when I insisted that I see him before I left for a trip that will take thru the remainder of the fast period. I know that I am so irresistible for him. We sat in the car and kissed a little bit, and he couldn't even look at me (even though I was wearing gross old PJ pants and a t-shirt) when I left because he was so afraid that he'd follow me into the house. In some aspects, that feels great- knowing that I have the power to make him feel like that. But he needs to be able to control himself enough to see me and be part of my life, unless I'm just a piece of ass to him. And if I'm just a piece of ass, let's just leave it at that. We can fuck and have a whole bunch of great orgasms, but don't need to have an emotional connection. 

Another twist that I didn't discuss in the June dating update is another person I've gone on a few dates with- Mike. I was so furious with Aziz when he brought up Ramadan, that I decided to go on a date with someone else. In so many ways, Mike is what I want. Educated, fun, similar interests and caring. The one downside is that I don't feel the level of chemistry that I feel with Aziz with Mike. Mike and I have amazing and fun dates, but kissing him doesn't get me hot and bothered. I've given him four dates now, and the feeling hasn't changed.

I'm currently sitting waiting for delayed flights that are going to get me to my destination well after 2am. I told both men about the situation and the possibility of me sleeping in the airport. Mike's response what that even though he was going to sleep, he'd be waiting for my texts and wanted me to keep him posted on my progress. Aziz's response was "gosh."  

This all comes down to what is more important to me. Am I willing to feel like a second class citizen to Aziz for some really hot sex? Do I forego the hot sex for a steady relationship with Mike? Or do I throw them both away and start over? I'm feeling more and more like waiting for Aziz is not what I should be doing- especially knowing that he has a number of commitments that will keep him busy through September. I just want it to work so badly and we would be such a fairytale couple if we were able to make it work. And I also wish he would help me understand why after waiting for me for three years he isn't interested in making an effort to keep me. 

I know I'm not going to get answers to any of these questions as I sit here tonight, but writing all of this certainly helps to put it in perspective. And even though I'm not really ready to write the words down, the perspective kinda sucks. So I guess this is a story to be continued....

June Update!

I've had a request from a reader for an update...and I could not be more thrilled by the request! Thanks for the kick in the ass to get myself in gear! The truth is that there are so many updates, and I'll cover them all one by one.

Howie: My friendship with Howie has suffered unfixable damage. It isn't my story to tell, and one that I don't feel comfortable talking about here. I take full responsibility for some of the damage, but I will spend the rest of my life wondering how important to him I actually was. I may go back and document some of our super hot sex (the cemetery story still needs to be told and I hope he'd be ok with me telling it), but he is no longer close to my heart- a truth that devastates me.

Abram: OVER! And not a bad thing. I struggled with Abram for months (as the last update talked about), and was in the process of figuring out that he was more friend than lover when I met the person I'll talk about next. A huge clincher was when I timed him arriving and my house and me hopping out of the shower. His response was to cover his eyes rather than look at me naked. DONE AND DONE! We also went on a hike a week earlier, and he refused to walk more than a few feet from the car. I'm the type of girl who would happily roll in the mud, and this did not go over well with me.

All of this leads me to my next (and current) story!

Aziz: A little over three years ago, someone who works in the same building complex as I do passed me his business card with a note on the back saying "I think you are the most beautiful girl and I'd love to buy you a drink." At the time, I was holding a giant torch for Howie, and decided to pretend like it never happened. In classic Candi style, every time I saw him for the next three years, I would run away. Because that's TOTALLY mature. I bumped into him in the cafeteria at the end of March of this year, and he asked me out for a second time. It was early, I was pissed off at Abram and I didn't have a good reason to say no. So I agreed to go out and have one drink with him that Friday. Well, one drink turned into last call, and I was smitten halfway through that first drink. I spent the night at the bar in his arms while talking, laughing and stealing kisses. I remember getting dressed to go out and texting with Howie that I was so annoyed that I had even agreed to go. And waking up slightly hungover the next morning feeling truly happy for the first time in a long time. 

Dating Aziz has its ups and downs, and if we are able to make it work, we will truly be the American dream. Aziz was born in a Muslim country and immigrated to the US in his twenties. He is very dedicated to his friends and family, and often works second or third jobs to send money home to his parents, which makes it difficult to spend time together. He also occasionally doesn't have a problem with canceling plans last minute because he's exhausted from working too hard or needs to do something for a friend. Yet, if something breaks at my house or I need a ride somewhere, all I have to do is ask and he is there. All of this leads me to spend half the time thinking he's an insensitive douchebag and the other half wildly in love with him. I've been in rollercoaster relationships before, and I'm still undecided as to whether or not I want to continue on this one. It's currently Ramadan, and we are on somewhat of a hiatus. I'm trying to decide how invested I'll be once its over. 

But...since this is a sex blog...OMG the sex. We waited a couple of weeks before we got into bed (mainly because he was working so much) and holy crap was it amazing. I had convinced tmyself hat after Howie, I would never find anyone who is as adventurous as I am, but I think I've found my match. Even standard vanilla sex is amazing, and he'll let me fuck him as long as I want- until I'm a sweaty drooling mess and can't move anymore. I'm sure that he's been with a ton of people with the type of work he used to do in his twenties and early thirties, but how good we are together surprised both of us. One morning, we were half asleep spoon fucking, and after he came, he muttered that he "didn't know it could be like this." From my perspective, I knew things were on the right track when he picked me up from the airport after I had been away for two weeks, and he leaned my chair back and gave me two orgasms as he drove me home without caring who in the world could see. I'm also so attractive to him that I've made him cum in his pants just by sitting on his lap while I talked on the phone at work, without any lap dance-style moves, which definitely makes me feel good about myself. He's also talked about going to a sex club with me so that other people can watch us fuck.

All of this kind of makes me wonder. Aziz is a semi-traditional Muslim dating an American girl and had sex with her after a month of knowing her. Is this just a fling for him? Does he tell me he loves me just to keep the sex coming? Does he have a wife waiting for him at home? I honestly don't mind if this is a fling for him, but I hope he's being honest enough with me before my heart gets too invested. I have friends on both sides of the fence and I know I have to make up my mind soon.

AND UPDATE OVER! Wow, that's a long one. I hope you read until the end! I'll keep everyone posted on how things go over the rest of Ramadan as our hiatus ends and things go back to normal. Or as normal as they can be in my world...

February Dating Update

February has been a strange dating month. I was slightly discouraged at the end of January, and was debating dropping out of the game entirely. Rejection hurts, even when it has to do with someone else's baggage. Yet I managed to pull myself off the floor and back onto OKcupid.

I started chatting with someone based on their interests, not actually assuming it would go anywhere (because, at least for me, 95% of the conversations are duds). Turns out he is almost seven years younger than I am: from early-thirties to mid-twenties. Quite the age gap. Yet we met up to grab coffee and seemed to have some chemistry.

Since I do love to give everyone nicknames, lets call him Abram. After coffee, Abram never really left. He brought me dinner in a snow storm, takes me on dates, complimented the tacos I made for him for a week and is generally a nice guy. We are compatible to the level of lying on the couch for a night binge watching Jinx and talking until the middle of the night. Which is secretly a fabulous night in my books.

But there's one catch. And it is kind of a major one. Abram is concerned by my age, and justifiably so. He made a comment about how it bothered him on our second or third date. And I assumed that I'd never hear from him again after he said that, and I was okay. But he still kept coming back. And texting and calling and all the normal things that people rarely do.

The last time I saw him, a couple of nights ago, we were drinking a bit, and the subject of dating came up. We were talking about what we wanted in a partner, when he asked me if I considered us dating. My response was purposefully vague, because I don't want him to feel pressured. He then made a comment about have been drinking too much and changed the subject. We talked for a few more minutes before he realized that I was cold, and proceeded to pull me into his arms for the next several hours.

And the problems get deeper. Because it wouldn't be a Candi story without problems. We've fooled around exactly once. And it didn't even get that far. Since then, we've kissed and we've snuggled. But all clothing has stayed permanently attached to our body. It doesn't matter what type of seduction technique I've tried, short of sticking my hand down his pants and pulling his cock out, nothing has worked. And I'm rapidly approaching that point.

All of this makes me assume that I've been put safely in the friend zone. But at the same time, he continues to show up at my house every other day and takes me on dates. I talked to Howie about it yesterday (yes, it is quite odd to be talking to my old lover about my new problems. But he's turned into quite the good listener) and he hypothesized that Abram could possibly not be that experienced and that I should keep trying. I find it hard to believe that someone in their mid-twenties could be inexperienced, but it is possible. He also reminded me about how pissed off I'd be if all Abram wanted was to fuck and leave, rather than building a relationship first.

All of that said, I still don't know. I know he's been on OKcupid since we met, which is totally fine because I don't even know if we are dating. Chances are good that he is still looking for someone else since he's been logged in. And I also know that I haven't heard all that much from him since the dating conversation a few days ago, which is slightly unusual for him.

This whole situation reminds me of myself when I was slightly younger than Abram. I met Sean in my mid-twenties when he was in his mid-thirties. Sean was ready to settle down, get married, etc., when I met him. I was so not ready at the time, and eventually drove him away with my immaturity. He ended up cheating on me and then shacking up with someone for a few years, before finding someone else who he married and eventually had a child with. I couldn't be more happy for him. Fast forward almost ten years and there is me, ready to at least have a stable relationship, and a mid-twenty-something living in a rented room. Chances are good that Abram looks at my life and isn't ready to be part of it. In which case, I don't think I can blame him.

Beyond the positive of having a few weeks of good company, I've also learned some interesting tidbits about my sex drive as part of this. If I have someone to be attracted to, my sex drive returns with a vengeance. I had an amazing drive when I was with Howie, even if we didn't see each other for months at a time. The dirty pictures and thoughts kept me going and feeling good about myself. I've always had someone like that in my life, from the time I started thinking about sex in middle school. The last six months was the first time that I haven't had a willing sex partner or plaything. And the lack of that person made me feel so unattractive to myself that I didn't even want to get off. As soon as I started getting turned on by Abram, my sex drive came back. I've watched more porn in the last three weeks than I have in the last six months combined. I hope that I can keep feeling good about myself even if he is no longer in the picture.

This may be the February wrap up, but I have a feeling that there is more to come with this story. It could be spectacularly bad, with me sticking my hand down Abram's pants and not getting the response I was hoping for, or it could be spectacularly good, with a steady sex partner who also will take me to dinner. Stay tuned!!

The Dating Moratorium

I technically wrote this post in January, but never had a chance to post it up to the blog. I'm making a few minor addendums and counting it as January post. That totally works, right?

I'm ending January the same way I began: single. But! I did manage to go on eight dates. Does that count as eight for the year? Can I take a month off? Six months off? If I average out to one a month by the end of the year does that count?  I never set ground rules for myself during my resolutions, but I'm thinking no.

One of the things that I learned from all these dates is that three people is too many for me to deal with simultaneously. I'm sure that many women would love to be in that position, but for me, remembering details and facts about three different people, making time to stay in touch with all of them, and having the energy to interact with them was just too much for me.

I decided that one date with the Hot Hipster was enough after digesting how I felt about the other candidates. We started texting to arrange a second date, but I felt like he was trying to fit me in the schedule between play auditions and roommate interviews. And having a roommate at the age of 40 seemed a little extreme to me. So that was that.

Then it came down to the Cute Nerdy Scientist and the Cousin Setup. Originally, I was feeling more inclined to the Scientist, but let myself be convinced that my Cousin's friend was a better idea. I blew off a date with the Scientist by claiming to have the flu, and to be fair a number of people were sick at this time, but instead went out on date #3 with the Friend.

So many things about the Friend seemed so sweet. He actually called (not texted!), checked in to see how I was doing while I was out of town, and legitimately seemed like he cared. For the few weeks that we dated, I had some lingering suspicions in the back of my head that things weren't right. He was constantly going out, consistently needed friends around, and could never spend time alone. I'm more of an extroverted introvert. I see nothing wrong with a Tuesday night (or even a Saturday night) at home with a book or watching a movie lying on a close friend's couch in my PJs.

Fast forward to my fourth date with the Friend. We went to a very nice restaurant, which I offered to pay for since he had been quite generous over the first three dates. He proceeded to order the most expensive item on the menu and wolfed it down with terrible table manners. I was a few bites into my meal, when he told me that he's sorry my cousin set us up because I'm so "nice," but he just broke up with his fiancee within the last six weeks, and couldn't possibly get into a serious relationship right now. Being the "nice" person that I am, I tried to make him feel better about it, all the while seething on the inside. Who wastes someone else's time, emotional investment, and money like that?!?! Even at the time, I understood why he wouldn't want to get into a relationship, but I really didn't appreciate being led on like that.

He didn't want to leave after dinner, and I couldn't think of an appropriate way to get myself out of the situation, so we ended up going to a local bar to drink and dance to a cover band. One AM rolls around, and he orders himself an uber for transportation home, and leaves me at the bar to walk a mile back to my house. Again, who does that?!?! Since then, he's texted a few times to see if I want to join his friend brigade, but I'm honestly so turned off by his actions that I'm not even sure I could be his friend. One part of me thinks that I should hang out because maybe he has a cute and normal friend, but I'm pretty sure I don't want to make the effort.

Switching gears to the Scientist. We had a very nice second date: eating sushi at a local restaurant that I love, and then having coffee at a dive-ish coffee shop that we both frequent. He picked me up and dropped me off, and the only awkward part was paying for the meal. I ended up splitting it with him because I wasn't quite sure what to do. During the week the week following, we went out for dessert at a local coffeeshop and chatted for about an hour. I haven't heard from him since.

I know how things went down with the Scientist were slightly my fault. I wasn't all in at first and I put more energy into the Friend than I did into him. I also came to two different pieces of insight that point towards the relationship not actually working in the long term. The first was during a Savage Love podcast, when two drunk college girls were talking about being attracted to their professors' intellect. I was very attracted to the Scientist's brain, but not so much his physical appearance. The second was during a slightly drunken steak dinner with a girlfriend, who asked me "do you like him? Or do you LIIIIIKKKKKEEE him?" And there I had my answer and became content our mutual fadeaway.

This is a freakin' long post, and I'm been struggling to concisely summarize what I've learned from these experiences, since they definitely taught me valuable lessons:

1. Dating isn't that bad! I had some good meals, some good conversation, met some interesting people, and have great stories to tell.
2. Three is too many for me. Better off sticking to one or two! Unless it's for a gang bang, right? And the odds of that happening anytime soon are slim to none.
3. Keep an open mind. I went into some of the dates with a bad attitude, even on the second date. Everyone has potential to be "the one" or even "the one for right now." I need to do a better job of keeping myself open to change and growth.

The February outlook isn't as exciting as the January outlook initially was. But I'm sure I'll have a good story or two coming out of the month and am excited to see what it will bring.

Sexual Cravings

I crave rough sex more than anything else. I'll never forget the first time a lover introduced me to pain in the bedroom. I was on a business trip to a desolate Southern city, and was eating dinner solo in an Applebees's bar...which alone is a sign of trouble. A regular sat down next to me, and, in typical Candi fashion, I had him taking me for post-dinner drinks at the hillbilly bar next door. I was a good girl that night- and insisted on returning to my hotel room alone. The next night was different. He invited me to his apartment, and cooked what I later found out was the only thing he knew how to make: spaghetti and meatballs. One bowl of mediocre spaghetti later and I was hooked. It didn't take long before our clothes were off and we were rolling around the bedroom. At some point that night, he reached up with his mouth and bit my breasts hard. At first, I was shocked, but then realized that the pain amplified my orgasms. He kept biting and I kept cumming. For the first time ever, I had to wear a scarf at work the next day to cover the bruising. 

My relationship with this lover, we can call him Sean, lasted for about nine long-distance months. It was a relationship of firsts for me: my first long-distance love, my first romantic vacations, and most importantly, my first vibrator and my entry into the world of rough sex. I don't think Sean or I realized that we would become serious, and I headed home a few days after we met. The next few months were filled with talking on the phone and quick weekend visits. Between one of these trips, a surprise package arrived for me with my very own Rabbit, and instructions not to use it until Sean called. That began a period of intense phone sex. In those days before FaceTime and naked selfies, I had to rely on his words, imagery and instruction to get myself off. I found myself enjoying the direction more and more as the weeks went on. Our in-person sex became rougher as we learned more about our interests and fantasies over the phone. Hair pulling, spanking, minor breath play, and of course more biting became the norm.

My relationship with Sean eventually ended, but we stayed in touch for a couple of years after that. We fooled around a few times in between other relationships, and I always relished the sex we had, because I intrinsically trusted him to stop before I had too much. I participated in much more intense scenes during this time, including one memorable occasion where I got fucked in the ass while being choked (within reason) with a partners' tie. So incredibly hot, but it didn't reach the level of what I had with Sean.

All of these other hookups and scenes were missing something, and it took me a long while to figure out what it was. Sean may have been rough and always had his way with me, but he would never do it if we didn't have the time for him to care for me afterwards. He would make it a priority to hold me or snuggle me and make sure that I knew that I was loved and cherished. I wrapped that feeling of security and safety up with the rough sex, and relished the pain because I knew that it was all part of the feelings of safety and love I would get afterwards. Although Sean and I didn't necessarily know what subspace was at the time, he took care of me for as long as I needed. 

I also had very similar experiences with Howie. I knew that I could ask him to do anything to me and he would gladly do it. I could be as hurt and exhausted as I wanted to be at the end of a day of sex, and I always knew that he would help hold me in the shower, and that I'd have a spot ready to snuggle up under his arms.

All of this leads me back to my current craving. I need to get fucked. I have been desiring and wanting and dreaming about rough sex for months. I miss every part of it: my head jerking back as my hair is pulled, someone squeezing my ass so hard that I can't sit the next day, rough stubble dragged all over my tender skin again and again, bite marks covering my body, my hands tied behind my back, spit and cum covering my body, and my head being held down as someone fucks my mouth. 

But entering that headspace for me comes with a cost. I need to be held after and made to feel cherished. The feeling of being loved is wound tightly with the feelings of pain. I've been toying with the idea of getting more involved with fetlife. There is no doubt in my mind that within a week I could have whatever I wanted done to me...except for the aftercare. I'm sure I could find someone with the decency to hold me or shower me, but there is no way that I we would have the level of trust, respect, and understanding that I built up with previous partners over a period of time. 

To me, this doubt could be different things. Part of me wonders if I'm not ready to trust anyone yet. Maybe I need time to heal and have more vanilla sex? But the other part of me just wants to throw myself back out there, to hell with the danger. Everything that happened with Sean and Howie happened because I was lucky to find them. I have had plenty of partners over the years that haven't been able to provide the full package, but have been able to enrich my life in their own special way. Maybe by continuing to play musical partners I'll find what I need? 

All I know for sure is that I'm going to get into bed tonight wishing that I had to sleep on my side because my back had been so torn up by a partner's stubble that the feeling of my soft sheets is too abrasive. Ah, to dream...

The Search to find Mr. New

Over the weekend, I decided to go a little date crazy. My goal was to go on one date a month. I went on three in one weekend. The story starts a few weeks earlier. I had been chatting with a cute looking guy on okcupid, but it didn't seem like he was going to make a movie. Another gorgeous guy sent me a very blunt note asking if I'd meet up for a drink. In the meantime, I was home celebrating Christmas, and my cousin decided she wanted to set me with one of her friends. As luck would have it, they all wanted to meet up right away, and so I lined 'em all up.

Now, the lowdown: 

1. Date #1, the hot hipster: HH showed up on his bicycle at a hipster dive bar on New Year's Day night. At first, I was skeptical. He had been out drinking with some buddies during the morning, and was clearly nursing a little big of an evening hangover. Yet we had great conversation and shared many mutual interests. So much of my life has been about work over the last year, and yet we found many other things to talk about beyond work. He walked me to the car at the end of the night, gave me a hug, and texted a few days later to set up another date. 
2. Date #2, cute nerdy scientist: CNS is the original okcupid guy. He made a reservation and a good restaurant and was waiting when I got there. Charming, similar background, interesting work ....aaaaand my height. I'm very short. It doesn't take much to be taller than me, and a huge turn on for me is being dominated and then snuggled by a taller man. We kissed at the end of the date, and he also texted to set up another date.
3. Date #3, cousin setup: CS met me on a miserable rainy day close to my house so that I didn't have to go far. We had a late lunch and the conversation was very much deja vu of the conversation I had with CNS. At the end, he also kissed me, but then texted me later to tell me what a nice time he had.

So here is my dilemma. Three men, three different sets of possibility. HH seems to be a great time. I could see us staying up drinking and going out at night, and then having sloppy drunken sex and doing an embarrassing walk of shame. CNS is a slightly introverted nerd, who would probably be sweet and adoring, but I'm not so sure how he would be in bed. He could be the perfect friend, or person to grow old with, but I also want to be fucked. CS is probably the best combination of the 3. Still very attractive, lots in common, and already some family connection. I'm not sure he'd be interested in kinkery, but I bet I could persuade him to be interested. 

I haven't had myself out on the market for a long time, or for very long. How does this work? I know I can keep dating all of them for a while, but how do people have time for that? Is that normal? How often should I try to see each of them? How long to people wait to have sex these days? Part of me is still a slut who will sleep with anyone, but I don't want to ruin a potential relationship by pulling up my skirt too quickly. 

I guess the moral of the story is that I'm proud of myself for putting myself out there. Throughout parts of the dates, and talking to my friends about them later, all I could think about was Howie and how things used to be with him. To quote a popstarwhoshallnotbenames I know that "we are never ever getting back together" but I still can't help comparing how new men act to him. Eventually I'll be able to move on from my feelings, but Howie set the bar high, and mr. new will have a tough act to follow. 

Who knows, though? If I keep up a dating tempo like this, I could potentially meet a hundred eligible bachelors by the end of the year. Now wouldn't that be a story!

A New Year!

2014 has not been an easy year. A year ago, I was feeling incredibly positive about life. I had a job I was challenged by, a satisfying relationship with Howie, and was making immense progress on many personal goals. Over the year, almost everything fell apart. I still enjoy my job, but it isn't what it was before. My relationship with Howie deteriorated, and eventually fell apart. I still love him, but we no longer share the sexual chemistry that we used to have, and our friendship is casual and no longer as meaningful as it used to be. One thing I am proud of over the last year is an increased commitment to myself and my personal health. I've gone from a cute and adorable girl, to someone who is not only cute and adorable, but also looks hot in a bikini.

At Howie's request, I gave up blogging a year ago. The blog had become too personal and too close to real life. Now, without Howie in the picture, I want to revive my creative outlet. My postings may be slightly different- not as many deeply intimate sexual stories with a long term partner, but plenty of thoughts and musings about sex, relationships, and finding myself. And possibly a dirty story or two. Or twenty.

I'm not sure how effective New Year's resolutions are. But I do have a few deeply personal resolutions that I'm going to do my best to make, and hopefully build back a group of readers to hold me accountable to:

1. Post at least three times a month: I WANT to share my life. I enjoy it. Other people tell verbal stories or play sports, but I enjoy the written word. Even if I'm the only reader and I'm only entertaining myself, I'll consider the blog a success.
2. Get my sexual mojo back: Losing Howie took away a big part of myself. I used to be so confident about myself sexually and willing to do anything anywhere. Sex in a cemetery on Halloween? Totally. Sex in two different cemeteries? Even better! For a while over the past few months, I wasn't even able to have orgasms. I would half heartedly turn on some porn and then fall asleep mid-movie. I've been getting better over the last six weeks, but I want to go back to the sexually confident and adventurous Candi of the past. 
3. Explore my fantasies: This is a subject for a post of its' own. But there are fantasies I haven't experienced yet. I may not get through all of them this year, but I can certainly make a start. 
4. Live to my intentions: I am not great about discussing my feelings. But last year I decided that my word of the year was going to be impowered. Honestly, I failed at this last year. I let my emotions and negativity lead me down a path that was the opposite of impowered...whatever that might be. This year, my intention is going to be electric. I used to have an electric personality, and in some ways I think I still do. But I want to be electric all the time. I want to walk into a room and light it up with my positivity, instead of hiding behind feelings of insecurity. This is going to be the most difficult of all my resolutions, but I'm going to do it.

So, I'd like to welcome back Candi. She's been missing from my life over the past year and I'm looking forward to her return. Hopefully reviving my writing will help me find myself, and entertain a reader or two. Here's to a deviant and electric 2015 filled with growth and delicious memories!

Resolutions...a Little Early

I should be working on Howie's Christmas present, cleaning the house or doing something productive. But there is something I need to blurt out before I get back to the to-do list.

For an unconventional relationship, Howie and I function fairly well. We live a plane flight away from each other, but usually manage to keep our relationship sexy and exciting through texting or talking daily and seeing each other on a semi-regular basis. The one biggest challenge between us is my jealousy and insecurity.

In a lot of ways, this is the worst time of the year for me. Because of my job, I've barely seen sunlight since September, which I know has an impact on my mood. I don't celebrate Christmas, and it's hard for me to get into the holiday spirit when I don't have anything to celebrate. Christmas parties are fun, but then comes the letdown of being the Jewish kid eating Chinese food and watching movies on Christmas.

The other worst part of the season for me are actually the Christmas parties. I start dreading this time of year around Thanksgiving because I know that there are many parties coming up, none of which we will be attending together. A few years ago, probably before I started really caring about him so much, Howie and I had a quickie in the car before I headed off to the airport and he headed off to a party. A parting though was that he wouldn't be hooking up with anyone else because he had just had sex with me. At the time, that sentiment made more sense. Nowadays, we don't have a monogamy commitment, but have an understanding that we aren't going to go off and have random sex with someone else. At the time he had that thought, it probably was realistic because we weren't as emotionally committed to each other then, our deeper emotional connection is something that has come with time.

But, with my crazy girl brain, I stored that piece of meaningless knowledge away for years, along with a few other similar sentiments (and I know I'm not guilt-free in saying hurtful things, I absolutely say things without meaning to). We've even talked about how him saying that made me feel, and I know that our friendship is so important to both of us that throwing it away for some meaningless ass would be a big waste. He's also repeated teenage girl rhetoric at me about a man that cheats on you isn't worth your time. Which in my 30s I should clearly believe.

I should also throw in here that Howie has no such worries. I don't want to hypothesize on his thought process, but I know he trusts me to be a sane adult, and to tell him if I am involved with someone else.

Now back to crazy girl brain. Knowing that I am insecure and jealous, I've tried really hard to watch what I said over the last few weeks and I truly do believe that there is no cheating going on anywhere. But on Friday, I snapped. And the words were like a train wreck coming out of my mouth. I'm not going to go into the specifics of what were said, but it started with me asking him to call me on his way home and him telling me he'd text since it would probably be late (and I have the cough of doom and have spent days passed out on my couch). Totally a reasonable answer, but crazy girl brain took it to mean that he didn't want to talk and/or would be too busy getting his cock sucked by someone else. And it all went downhill from there, culminating in jealousy that he was dancing with other girls while I watched reruns of bad cooking shows and coughed (very attractively, of course) while whining about never being taken dancing. Which I also decided to continue into Saturday morning.

I'd like to think that crazy girl brain has gotten better over the last few years, but really I'm not so sure. I think I'm just more aware of what I said, and the collateral damage that I leave behind.

Every year, Howie and I come up with a New Year's resolution together. We've tossed around a few ideas for this year, but haven't yet picked one. He, however, has a list of personal resolutions a mile long, while my only response to the question was "mehhhhhhhh." I've decided that this is my personal resolution for the year: I'm going to work on my jealousy and insecurity issues. I know I'm a smart, cute and funny woman, but I sometimes lose faith in myself and take it out unnecessarily on those closest to me.

So, I'll end this long rambling post with a public apologize to Howie. He puts up with a lot of crap from me, and is a really good friend for doing so. And I look forward to another year of making (or breaking) our joint resolution together.

Rape Fantasy

So I'll start this off by saying that the ONLY way I'd explore a rape fantasy is with someone I trust completely. I once pushed my comfort levels with a past partner and was tied up and fucked when I wasn't necessarily comfortable with the situation. Howie is someone that I've known for years, and as I talked about in my Sexual Boundaries post, I know that he would stop well before anything got out of hand or I was physically or emotionally hurt.

The other day Howie and I were talking about some drama and something being like a soap opera and he sent me the following texts (slightly grammatically cleaned up): Oooo can it be one of those latin soap operas where you and I have a fight!? You slap me across the face, and I grab you and pull you in for a passionate kiss? You try to fight me off but you give in begrudgingly, because you are still pissed at me. You are still pissed, but your soaking wet pussy betrays you and allows me to have my way. Then I betray your pussy and bend you over a table, pull up your skirt and begin to rape your ass.

He quickly followed it up by saying: Well, I guess that is more rape than soap opera, but you know what I mean. 

My first reaction probably wasn't the same as most people's would be, I thought about the fact that I would never hit him. I love a good smacking and some pinches, but I don't think I could ever hit him more than a playful swat on the ass.

To me, this is more of a fight fantasy than a rape fantasy, even if it did include nonconsensual sex. This scenario would absolutely be high up on my list, but I think that my rape fantasy would be slightly different. For one, I wouldn't want him fucking my ass like that- getting my ass fucked leaves me feeling emotionally raw, and I wouldn't want it to happen with any anger, even fake anger, as part of the scenario. I'd also want it to have more of an element of surprise than the outcome of a fight. Maybe have him lurking around my bedroom when I come home from work and don't expect him, or to have him pop up outside my house and drag me inside. The best part would be having him bend me over the table and hold me down as he fucked me, without being able to move or have any control. 

I've listened to a number of podcasts about playing out this type of scenario, and know that it all has to be well planned out ahead of time. Dan Savage had some very sage advice in a podcast that I listened to a few years ago and wish I had kept. I wouldn't want Howie to appear and blindfold me without letting me know who was doing it. But planning out the scenario and then having it happen at a date of his choosing would be perfect. The anticipation of knowing that the fantasy is eminent would keep me in a heightened state of awareness, possibly for weeks.

Has anyone else ever thought about being raped like this by someone that they love and trust? Is it something too dangerous to even consider? 

Wrapped

I try to give Howie a homemade and/or personal present every year for Christmas and his birthday. Some years have been better than others...last birthday was an epic failure with some 'pornigami' that turned into a few scrappy cat faces and a heart. I turned to alcohol after several hours attempting to make a pussy and failing miserably every time. Better received presents include a set of handmade (and relationship appropriate) sex coupons and list of memories: one for every year he had been alive.

 

I'm sure he'll read this eventually, but I'm struggling with what to make him this year. I tried out my new vibrator last night, and it is so stellar that I'm not sure what I can and should give him. Cookies or a mix tape just seem so inadequate after a present that will keep on giving for a long while to come. Or cum. Heh.

 

I know already what Howie is going to say after he reads this. That I don't need to give him a present and that he's happy that he is able to give me something that I'll enjoy, and that we will probably enjoy together at some point. I could always buy him a gift card or a shirt or one of the other random presents that you buy people, but I really like presents with some thought and creativity behind them.

 

So, my readers, what are some of the best presents that you've given to a lover or significant other? Anything from a handmade and crafty gife to a trip around the world or some amazing piece of art that you hang in your house and look at every day. I'm excited for your inputs!

Shopping Trip

Howie and I are going to go through a period where we won't see each other very often over the next few months. To ease the pain, he offered to buy me a toy as a holiday present. After a little prodding at the cost, I accepted. The other part of the deal was me going to buy the toy, since we won't be seeing each other for a few weeks.

I have a love/hate relationship with sex toys. I started off with cheaper, and plastic-y smelling, toys before I knew any better. An old boyfriend bought me one of my first toys: a giant smelly rabbit which just felt uncomfortable inside of me. I usually get myself off quickly and easily just playing with my clit when I'm alone, and it seemed like such an effort to play with the toy since I could cum faster with my fingers.

From there, I regressed to a smaller bullet vibe for my clit, which I loved for a long time, but eventually started to feel boring. My sex life was getting so interesting and having a tiny vibe just didn't fit the rest of the picture.

I did some experimenting over the next few years, including a really nice g-spot vibe, a smaller silicon dildo and eventually bought a beautiful glass dildo that was more artwork than sex toy. Howie and I enjoyed using it for temperature play, but the glass was so unforgiving inside my body. We've also included some anal toys into our collection over the past year or so, but those are stories for another time.

Anyways, back to my shopping trip. Within 24 hours of Howie making the offer, I was gleefully driving down to my local 'couples shop'. It took me about a year and a half after living here to find this shop, but it is really terrific. It is one part BDSM and kinky toys and equipment, another part toys for men, has a huge selection of lubes and condoms, sexy outfits and sex toys ranging from very cheap to very expensive. My first shopping trip to the store a few months back included a few girlfriends who grew up going to Catholic school, and only now are becoming interested in exploring their sexuality. I spent about two hours walking all over the store with them explaining different toys and hearing their shocks of horror (while I giggled behind my hands) over toys that I've enjoyed playing with in the past.

When I arrived, I knew exactly where to head in the store because of the amount of time I've spent there. There is one small area with the more expensive vibes, and I had my eye set on one of three brands: Lelo, We-Vibe and one other one that I can't remember the name of, but also looked and smelled good. I decided against the We-Vibe because it seems the most useful during partner play, and this is a toy all about me! It came down to the nameless vibe and the Lelo. After touching both materials for at least 10 minutes, I decided to go towards Lelo.

Then came the tricky party: which type to choose. I knew I wanted something for penetration, but then got stuck between a g-spot or a larger vibe. Howie and I have been spending a lot of time on my g-spot recently because I REALLY want to be able to squirt, but I don't think I'll spend that much time practicing on my own. In the end, I decided that I wanted something to make up for all the cock that I'll be missing and decided to go with the larger one.

I chatted with another knowledgeable saleswoman on my way out, and also came away with a bottle of System Jo brand warming lube and another small bottle of pineapple flavored lube. I love the smell and taste of cock, but sometimes it's fun to make my very own pina colada flavored snack. I've used a little bit of Jo lube before, and really enjoy how smooth it is and how it doesn't leave any sticky feeling behind.

I haven't been able to try any of my new purchases out yet, but know that I'll be doing so very soon. And I'll let you all know how it goes after I do!

More Headaches and Best Sex

Ninety nice percent of the time I am happy with my life. I enjoy and am challenged by my 'real' job and I have amazing friends and family. I live alone and am not in a serious relationship more by choice than anything else. Howie and I spend a decent amount of time together, and the fact that it isn't a regular occurrence makes it that much more special. So, with that said, I'm going to whine for a very short period of time, and then go back to my normal cheery (and horny) self.

Nights like last night are one of the few nights when I don't want to be home alone. After driving 800 miles to visit family, and participating in some of the requisite family drama, I was only too pleased to get back to my quiet little apartment. Until I stopped the car and realized that it still felt like the car was still moving. And it still felt like that an hour later.

I got into bed and thought back to the time I had a migraine and Howie made me cum so I would feel better. I tried to make myself get off to see if that would help. And after four nights of sleeping in a single bed with someone else in the same room, you'd think it would be a two minute orgasm! Instead, I laid there and felt more and more gross. Until I fell asleep at 9:15.

This morning I woke up headache-free, read some smut (complete with missing orgasm) and then continued on my way. And I wouldn't have have thought to mention my angst until the NY Post article Nobody Marries Their Best Sex Ever popped up in my twitter feed.

Most of my last few partners have been great sex. Howie, who I know I don't have a serious future with, is by far the best. What makes us great together is the amount of time we've spent learning what we like and what we want together. The one partner that wasn't that great was someone I could have seen a future with in other parts of my life, but would have forced me to spend a lot of time hiding out with a hitachi wand.

The article discusses how kids play a factor in the 'good sex' versus 'ok sex' with a partner decision: the more passionate your sex life is, the less stable other parts of your life may be. I know that I'm not planning to have children at this stage in my life, but am still open to the idea of finding someone to settle down with (although it isn't my life goal). I'm willing and able to take care of myself, and expect someone that I get into a serious relationship with to be able to do the same, knowing that there is always some give and take in any relationship.

So I guess my question is this: do I automatically rule out an amazing sex partner as a longterm life partner? Would I rather have someone who would do the laundry or someone who will rub my clit and give me an orgasm to make my migraine go away (or fuck me on the beach for that matter)? Is there a compromise between the two? I have friends who are all over the map, from happy and adventurous, to unhappy and unadventurous.

I don't think these are questions that I'm necessarily ready to answer right now, but something to keep in the back of my mind over the next few years. And I'm also curious to hear anyone else's opinion on the topic.

50 Shades of ....

Let me start this off by saying I am not a big fan of the "Fifty Shades of Gray" books. Beyond the author's mediocre grasp of the English language and improper use of grammar, she lost me when Ana deep throated a cock the first time she ever gave head and absolutely loved the experience. I don't have a single friend who loved cock-sucking from the first time and was also that great at it from the beginning. It's an art for most people, something that is grown into with time and a good partner.

But that isn't the topic of this post!

Beyond sex, another of my top five activities is cooking. I adore reading cooking magazines, cooking blogs and cooking for friends and family. I start looking forward to Thanksgiving (and any other cooking holiday) at least a month ahead of time.

To my delight and surprise, I came across a twitter mention of a book called "Fifty Shades of Chicken" a few weeks ago. I started following the author's twitter feed (@50ShadesChicken) and started enjoying the author's witty 'food erotica' tweets. I've never seen anything else that combined these two topics together so well. I haven't had a chance to buy the book yet, but I'm sure it'll be delivered in a package really soon.

What intrigues me the most about reading the book will be if I can actually pull off making erotic meals. Food is so often the beginning of a romantic evening, and I've planned many meals with sex as the ultimate goal. The tastes, colors and textures can all lead to something special, ranging from a bowl of pasta and a simple salad to Julia Child's Boeuf Bourguignon. Stay tuned as I try to share some food experimentation with you.

The Pagoda

Howie and I don't often have time to ourselves. We work long hours while traveling, and generally socialize with co-workers at the end of the day. We managed to find a few hours to ourselves one evening a few weeks ago and slipped away for dinner and a drive.

Naturally, it only took a few miles before I took his cock out of his pants and I tried to launch myself over the center console for a taste. The angle wasn't that great (and I was trying to navigate), so he had to make do with a hand job. I tried to make up for the lack of blow job by licking my hand every few minutes to make his cock nice and wet.

I assumed our fun was over once we pulled off the interstate and was trying to compose myself when I inadvertently gave him bad directions. We pulled into a seedy motel parking lot to turn around and somehow ended up behind the motel, hidden from the four lane road that we had pulled off of. Howie suddenly slammed on the brakes and put the car in park. It didn't take long before my feet were on the dashboard, my panties slipped to the side and one of his fingers inside me while another played with my clit. I was already excited from playing with his cock and relished the feeling of his finger inside me. He grabbed one of my breasts and started twisting my nipple, which caused my pussy to clench down on his finger with a screaming orgasm. I tried to hop over the large SUV console to get to his cock, but he grabbed my hair and pulled me back in my seat. "Let's save that for later" he whispered in my ear.

Dinner conversation focused on two things: gossiping about co-workers (which I know none of you want to be bored with) and sex. My hotel room for the past few weeks had a balcony that overlooked a river with a fishing pier shaped like a pagoda. I had mentioned at least 10 or 12 times how "romantic" the pier looked and how much fun it would be to go visit it at night. I managed to throw it into the conversation again, and we hatched a plan to head there immediately following dinner.

Although not too far from the city, the pagoda was quiet and secluded enough to be a good place for a quick tryst. We held hands and walked down the wooden dock to the building. We were disappointed as we got closer to see that the main building was lit with a set of bright florescent bulbs. Further investigation showed another long pier heading off of one side and we quickly headed in that direction.

Without ceremony, Howie pushed me to my knees and released his cock from his pants. I was finally able to get the taste I had been looking for since we left work, and quickly sucked him down. The warm sweet breeze began blowing my hair around, and he grabbed a handful of hair as he pushed my mouth farther down his shaft. I released him for a breath and began licking around his cock head and up and down the shaft towards his balls. After a few more times taking his cock as far into my mouth as I could, I stood up and leaned over the railing at the edge of the dock. Howie leaned over me and ground his cock into my ass through my skirt. We could see our shimmering reflections in the water and the moon on the other side of the river.

He reached around to pull my panties off and shoved them in his jacket pocket. My pussy was dripping from the excitement of the situation and I didn't need any foreplay. I spread my legs, stood on my tiptoes and balanced myself on the railing. I could feel the softness of the breeze contrasting with the harness of his cock as he took me roughly from behind. It took a few thrusts before we got our balance and rhythm down, but Howie soon grasped the railing around me and continued having his way with me. A police car raced by on the road a few hundred feet away, but all I could focus on was the tip of his cock rubbing against my g-spot.

Howie's lips found my neck and bit down. I was cumming all over his cock after a few good bites, with my moans being carried away by the breeze. It only took a few more minutes before he joined me, and filled me with huge jets of cum.

We stayed the way we were for a minute or two before untangling from the side of the pier. As soon as Howie pulled his cock out of a me, a huge glob of cum started rolling down my leg and I quickly pulled my panties back on to stop the flow. I could feel more cum dripping down as we walked back down the dock towards the car, giggling about another spot we could cross off of our sexual bucket list. Although the whole experience couldn't have lasted more than 10 or 15 minutes, I know it is something that I'll never forget.

Sexual Boundaries

I apologize for my long absence! I was away on an extended work trip...which included a lot of hot sex that will take me a while to catch you all up on.

Before I get back to the down and dirty later this week, I want to talk about something that has been on my mind recently: boundaries.

I love rough sex. Not super rough: I still like to be able to take back a little bit of control when the mood strikes me. And I prefer my pain coming from my partner, not from a whip or a flogger or clamps or another type of instrument. I wouldn't mind a whipping, but there is something about hand on body contact from a good spanking or pinching that really turns me on. Or, of course, getting fucked hard with no mercy.

Howie doesn't get off on pain quite like I do, but he'll happily participate since he knows how much it turns me on. A couple of years ago hurting me made him nervous, but now I think he likes it a little more. We came up with a safe word about six months ago when he started worrying about pushing me too hard. I've never come close to using it, especially because he's always worried about coming too close to my boundaries. All of this lulled me into a sense of complacency that a smack would never be too hard or his cock would never be shoved too far down my throat.

One of my strange (and a little bit guilty) pleasures in life is to have Howie rub a day or two of beard scruff all over my back and ass. It can come before sex as a turn on or after sex mixed with some lotion as a way to cool down. My skin starts to feel raw without lotion, and it's the perfect beginning of some super hot and dirty sex.

We started off like this a few weeks ago, and then Howie continued by biting his way down my back, my ass and then down my legs. He got down to my feet and gave me a huge bite on my arch before biting his way back up. At this point, I was face down, half writhing towards him and trying to push my pussy into his face, and half trying to escape his teeth. My pussy was dripping, and I was so ready for him to start licking me, or to have him shove his cock into me as far as he could. Suddenly, he bit down on my ass with all his might, to try to test my limits to some extent. I launched myself forward and shouted "owwww!" Usually, I'll whimper a bit, or tell him that something hurts, but there must have been something in my voice that let him realize how much of a surprise the hard bite was. He immediately started spooning me and kissing me, and held me close for a few minutes, before we went back to some much more gentle spoon fucking

I'm not sure why this unnerved me so much. Howie did exactly what he should have in the situation by making me feel safe and comfortable. I still love pain, and we went back to similar activities the next night. In fact, I'm hoping for a similar encounter this week. I think I'm more embarrassed with myself. I always thought that if my limits were reached, it would come from something much greater than a hard bite on the ass. Something along the lines of being tied up, blindfolded and whipped, or being denied orgasm for hours would have been my original guess. Another aspect of my reaction could be emotional. I was working 12 or 14 hour days, with little sunlight and mediocre eating habits. Combined with the unexpected bite, I could see this pushing me off a little ledge.

Thinking about this a little more, I appreciate the surprise. Part of what makes sex between us so fun and enjoyable is the unexpected. We never go into a session knowing exactly what to expect, but relish the experience as it unfolds. We may think that we are going to play with toys one night, but instead end up fucking on every piece of furniture in the room. Knowing that Howie will take care of me and make me feel safe after pushing past a boundary makes me more willing to approach those lines and possibly explore sex acts that we've only talked about in the past.

It also teaches me to take into account my general wellbeing when involved in somewhat non-vanilla sex. It isn't my partner's responsibility to know how I'm feeling both physically and emotionally, but mine. And I think that will lead to us having an even better sex life (if, of course, that's possible....)

Bucket List on the Beach

Last Friday, Howie and I checked another mark off of my bucket list. I've always wanted to fuck on the beach, but have never had the opportunity. There have either been people around, the weather hasn't been right, or we haven't figured out a way to fuck without getting sand in inappropriate places. This time, we came prepared. I wore a short skirt and a shirt with easy access to my tits. He wore a pair of shorts that could easily slide down and free his cock.

After a few beers at a local beach bar with some friends, we feigned exhaustion and need for sleep, but instead, ran back to the car to grab a sheet and then down the narrow pathways to the beach. Although the moon wasn't very bright, we made our way into the dunes, weaving between beach grass, until we found a secluded spot between some dunes.

He reached down to pull my face in for a kiss as I wrapped my arms around him. We kissed passionately for several minutes, until I got to my knees and freed his cock from his shorts and boxers.  I gently licked up and down his cock, letting the combination of the cool breeze help with stimulation. The sand held my knees steady, as I held onto his ass with my hands and began sucking his cock in and out of my mouth.

Soon, he threw me back on the sheet, ripped off my panties, and began biting his way up my thighs, knowing that all I really wanted was to feel him feasting on my pussy. As soon as his mouth made it to my clit, I held his head close and bucked towards his face. It didn't long for me to orgasm while looking up at the stars.

Still coming down from my orgasm, he quickly slid his shorts to his knees, laid between my legs missionary style and slammed his hard cock inside of me. The sound of the waves and the crickets around us hid our groans, which I knew were definitely louder than normal. The combination of several beers and the riskiness of our location was putting me over the edge. He leaned down to kiss me, and twisted my nipples in his hands. Sometimes I'll cum just from getting my nipples squeezed and pinched hard, and being thrust full of cock and having them twisted quickly put me over the edge again.

We shifted position for him to fuck me from behind. Over and over again, he slammed into me, while I felt the sand rub on my already tender nipples. I imagined what would happen if some of the young college co-eds we had seen wandering the beach came upon us, and that only made me more excited. Would they giggle and run away? Would they call the cops? Would they try to join in? Terrorize us? The thread made me even more excited, and when he started smacking my ass and calling me a dirty slut, I quickly came again.

With me sated, we rolled over onto our backs to look up at the sky, with my pussy and his cock still out for all of the world to see. Our fucking had scared all of the clouds away, and we gazed up at the stars and tried to point out the ones we recognized, while I thought about how good his cock would continue to take.

Before long, I bent over his waist to take his semi-hard cock in my mouth. It didn't take long to get him completely hard. I continued to suck and to jerk him off with my saliva soaked hand, often following the rhythm he set by moving my head for me. I was rubbing his cock when his breath quickened and I heard him moan "baby, suck it in your mouth. You want all my cum, don't you"? I happily obliged and swallowed every drop of his cum, as he grunted loudly into the wind.

After a few more minutes of gazing up at the stars, we put on our clothes and straightened up to head back to the car. Only a short way away from our spot, the group of co-eds were running around with a flashlight.  Did they hear us? Did they enjoy the show? To me, that's all part of the allure of fucking somewhere like the beach.

Bare Down There

The other day I received a Yelp email titled 'Yelp's Hairless and Happy' that was all about waxing salons in my local area. My first thought at 5:30 in the morning was WTF? But then it turned out that the article focused on facial waxing from the women's perspective, but then threw in a paragraph about manscaping. I guess manscaping can also refer to the face, but that isn't exactly the first thing I though of. Nowhere in the article did it mention biking waxing or Brazilian waxing or anything related to naked pussies. Why is mentioning manscaping acceptable, but not pussy-scaping? And is there even a correct term for that? Even though the article didn't specifically call out pussy-scaping, 'hairless' is never something I think about when contemplating getting my eyebrows waxed, and there has to have been some type of innuendo in there.

I've a fan of a naked pussy, and go through periods when I shave and when I wax. Right now I'm going through more of a shaving period. I've never been super comfortable with going to the back of a nail salon or spending a fortune to go to a fancy place where I feel judged by someone I have trouble communicating with. For years I went to a woman who did waxing out of her house, who would go out of her way to distract me and not have me thing about both where she was working, as well as the pain. That spoiled me, and I've never been able to find someone who made the process into an almost enjoyable social experience.

I like my men manly. A little bit of manscaping is acceptable, but primarily so I can suck cock without getting a lot hair in my mouth. I think it might be a deal breaker if a guy that I was with went to someone else to have them take care of their pubic hair.

One thing that I do find very hot is the idea of having someone else shave me. I like the idea of putting my pussy's "life" into someone else that I trust's hands, and letting him shave me until I'm silky smooth. Ideally, it would happen near a shower, or in a shower, so that I could clean off and quickly shove his face into my pussy for a few orgasms.

It's All About the Attitude

Hi my name is Howie Liquor and today I am guest blogging for Candice... 

As you can guess that's not my real name, nor is Candice the name this blog's author.  It’s a nickname that I gave to my naughty lover because she is as sweet as Candy.  The "Goodhead" surname?  Well, you can probably figure out for yourself.  But in all actuality , she should really take the name "Greathead" because her oral talents are so much better than good, they're great! 

 But what makes some blow jobs great vice just good you may ask?  For most guys there is no such thing as "bad" head!  Hell, even when its bad, it's still pretty good. I mean, what could be bad about having your cock sucked by a soft tongue and nice wet mouth.  And let's face it guys, save the excessive use of teeth, most blow jobs are better than no blow jobs at all.  But there is a difference between a really great blow job and one that is not worth remembering.  That difference is attitude.

Most men love having their dick sucked.  While I did know one guy in college that didn’t,  it is very rare to find a guy that doesn’t like getting head. But what makes it even better is when the one sucking you really enjoys it themselves. The late George Carlin had a comedic bit where he waxed about the term "blow job."  He asked, why is it called a job? Isn't it fun sucking cock?  He joked, "it should be called a 'suck fun' instead."   He was right!  Having that agreeable attitude makes all the difference.

For Candice Goodhead, the act of fellatio is always a 'suck fun' and that's what makes it soooooo good!  I always laugh at the scene from Animal House where the sorority girl was giving the preppy frat boy a handy in his convertible and complained that her hand  was getting tired as she pulled off a  latex glove.  For many of us guys, we can relate to a sexual experience where our partner was merely going through the motions more as an obligation rather than the desire to get us off.   If they only realized that their half-hearted effort was the very thing that made it hard for us to truly get off in the first place!

Candy is never the reluctant fellatist.  She will always suck me whenever I desire (I am the recipient of her Morning Head).   And for a man, there is no better feeling.  Not only does she love to suck my cock, but she actually gets herself off when going down on me.  She loves to satisfy me. Seeing my arousal and excitement only gets her more aroused  thus creating a feedback loop that makes her only want to suck me deeper and longer.  It is her attitude and the desire to pleasure me that makes her so special.  Knowing that she wants to suck my cock and swallow my load only heightens the moment.  It's what makes Candice Goodhead, Candice Greathead "Goddess of the Suck Fun!"

In my next guest blog, I will address my penname...

Funny Sex Songs

When I think about music to fuck to, I usually think about more serious music. The other day I had my iPod on shuffle, and came across an oldie but goodie, and that brought on the topic for today's list. Every time I hear 'Discovery Channel' by Bloodhound Gang I think back to middle school, where I knew nothing about sex, but understood that there were a whole bunch of innuendos in the song that made all of the kids snicker. In honor of that, today's list is filled with songs that make me think of sex, but all I can do is giggle and bounce around when they come on the radio.

1) Discovery Channel - Bloodhound Gang

2) Whistle - Flo Rida

3) Peaches & Cream - 112

4) How May Licks - Lil Kim

5) Wait (The Whisper Song) Remix - Ying Yang Twins

6) Just Put It In My Mouth - Akinyele

7) My Neck, My Back - Khia

8) Circle Circle Dot Dot - Jamie Kennedy and Stu Stone

9) Fuck Her Gently - Tenacious D

10) Wet the Bed - Chris Brown

Migraine

About a year ago I got my first migraine. I didn't know what was happening to me when I started getting auras in front of my eyes, and spent about an hour covering first one eye and then the other. I suddenly got hit with a blinding headache and dragged myself up to bed, turned out all the lights and prepared to spend the night quietly moaning to myself in pain.

After about an hour, I felt someone get into bed with me and place a cool cloth over my head. I could barely speak and couldn't move my face at all, but he knew that touching me and distracting me would help me forget the feelings in my head.

He started at my breasts and rubbed and caressed first one, and then the other, occasionally leaning down to lick one of my nipples or circle his tongue around. I could feel myself relaxing, knowing that someone was paying such close attention to me and not expecting anything in return. He would trace from one side of my body to the other, not looking for anything in particular.

Soon he moved down to my belly and continued rubbing and soothing my skin. When I peeked open one eye, he was lying on his side in dim light staring at me and watching the movements of his hand. I asked him what he was doing, and his response was "learning all of your curves." Like most women, I'm self conscious about my imperfections. Looking up while feeling ill and realizing that someone doesn't care about those little details made me feel so cared about and beautiful.

He continued moving down my body, eventually reaching my pussy. We both groaned as he dipped one finger inside and realized how wet I already was. Using that wetness, he ran his finger all throughout my pussy; over my clit and over each and every fold. I wanted to cum so badly, but couldn't manage to get close without moving my face, which hurt my headache.

I reached over to grab his rock hard cock and gave it a few half-hearted strokes. I so badly wanted to put it in my mouth or pussy, but couldn't manage to make the effort. In a quiet voice he told me, "don't worry baby, this night is all about you and making you feel better."

He kept moving his finger over my clit gently again and again. My orgasm eventually managed to build and spilled over with a gush of wetness. With a sigh, I snuggled over into his chest, he flipped the cloth on my head over to the cool side, and wrapped his arms around me while lightly scratching my back.

In the morning I woke up refreshed and ready to face a new day.