February Dating Update

February has been a strange dating month. I was slightly discouraged at the end of January, and was debating dropping out of the game entirely. Rejection hurts, even when it has to do with someone else's baggage. Yet I managed to pull myself off the floor and back onto OKcupid.

I started chatting with someone based on their interests, not actually assuming it would go anywhere (because, at least for me, 95% of the conversations are duds). Turns out he is almost seven years younger than I am: from early-thirties to mid-twenties. Quite the age gap. Yet we met up to grab coffee and seemed to have some chemistry.

Since I do love to give everyone nicknames, lets call him Abram. After coffee, Abram never really left. He brought me dinner in a snow storm, takes me on dates, complimented the tacos I made for him for a week and is generally a nice guy. We are compatible to the level of lying on the couch for a night binge watching Jinx and talking until the middle of the night. Which is secretly a fabulous night in my books.

But there's one catch. And it is kind of a major one. Abram is concerned by my age, and justifiably so. He made a comment about how it bothered him on our second or third date. And I assumed that I'd never hear from him again after he said that, and I was okay. But he still kept coming back. And texting and calling and all the normal things that people rarely do.

The last time I saw him, a couple of nights ago, we were drinking a bit, and the subject of dating came up. We were talking about what we wanted in a partner, when he asked me if I considered us dating. My response was purposefully vague, because I don't want him to feel pressured. He then made a comment about have been drinking too much and changed the subject. We talked for a few more minutes before he realized that I was cold, and proceeded to pull me into his arms for the next several hours.

And the problems get deeper. Because it wouldn't be a Candi story without problems. We've fooled around exactly once. And it didn't even get that far. Since then, we've kissed and we've snuggled. But all clothing has stayed permanently attached to our body. It doesn't matter what type of seduction technique I've tried, short of sticking my hand down his pants and pulling his cock out, nothing has worked. And I'm rapidly approaching that point.

All of this makes me assume that I've been put safely in the friend zone. But at the same time, he continues to show up at my house every other day and takes me on dates. I talked to Howie about it yesterday (yes, it is quite odd to be talking to my old lover about my new problems. But he's turned into quite the good listener) and he hypothesized that Abram could possibly not be that experienced and that I should keep trying. I find it hard to believe that someone in their mid-twenties could be inexperienced, but it is possible. He also reminded me about how pissed off I'd be if all Abram wanted was to fuck and leave, rather than building a relationship first.

All of that said, I still don't know. I know he's been on OKcupid since we met, which is totally fine because I don't even know if we are dating. Chances are good that he is still looking for someone else since he's been logged in. And I also know that I haven't heard all that much from him since the dating conversation a few days ago, which is slightly unusual for him.

This whole situation reminds me of myself when I was slightly younger than Abram. I met Sean in my mid-twenties when he was in his mid-thirties. Sean was ready to settle down, get married, etc., when I met him. I was so not ready at the time, and eventually drove him away with my immaturity. He ended up cheating on me and then shacking up with someone for a few years, before finding someone else who he married and eventually had a child with. I couldn't be more happy for him. Fast forward almost ten years and there is me, ready to at least have a stable relationship, and a mid-twenty-something living in a rented room. Chances are good that Abram looks at my life and isn't ready to be part of it. In which case, I don't think I can blame him.

Beyond the positive of having a few weeks of good company, I've also learned some interesting tidbits about my sex drive as part of this. If I have someone to be attracted to, my sex drive returns with a vengeance. I had an amazing drive when I was with Howie, even if we didn't see each other for months at a time. The dirty pictures and thoughts kept me going and feeling good about myself. I've always had someone like that in my life, from the time I started thinking about sex in middle school. The last six months was the first time that I haven't had a willing sex partner or plaything. And the lack of that person made me feel so unattractive to myself that I didn't even want to get off. As soon as I started getting turned on by Abram, my sex drive came back. I've watched more porn in the last three weeks than I have in the last six months combined. I hope that I can keep feeling good about myself even if he is no longer in the picture.

This may be the February wrap up, but I have a feeling that there is more to come with this story. It could be spectacularly bad, with me sticking my hand down Abram's pants and not getting the response I was hoping for, or it could be spectacularly good, with a steady sex partner who also will take me to dinner. Stay tuned!!

The Dating Moratorium

I technically wrote this post in January, but never had a chance to post it up to the blog. I'm making a few minor addendums and counting it as January post. That totally works, right?

I'm ending January the same way I began: single. But! I did manage to go on eight dates. Does that count as eight for the year? Can I take a month off? Six months off? If I average out to one a month by the end of the year does that count?  I never set ground rules for myself during my resolutions, but I'm thinking no.

One of the things that I learned from all these dates is that three people is too many for me to deal with simultaneously. I'm sure that many women would love to be in that position, but for me, remembering details and facts about three different people, making time to stay in touch with all of them, and having the energy to interact with them was just too much for me.

I decided that one date with the Hot Hipster was enough after digesting how I felt about the other candidates. We started texting to arrange a second date, but I felt like he was trying to fit me in the schedule between play auditions and roommate interviews. And having a roommate at the age of 40 seemed a little extreme to me. So that was that.

Then it came down to the Cute Nerdy Scientist and the Cousin Setup. Originally, I was feeling more inclined to the Scientist, but let myself be convinced that my Cousin's friend was a better idea. I blew off a date with the Scientist by claiming to have the flu, and to be fair a number of people were sick at this time, but instead went out on date #3 with the Friend.

So many things about the Friend seemed so sweet. He actually called (not texted!), checked in to see how I was doing while I was out of town, and legitimately seemed like he cared. For the few weeks that we dated, I had some lingering suspicions in the back of my head that things weren't right. He was constantly going out, consistently needed friends around, and could never spend time alone. I'm more of an extroverted introvert. I see nothing wrong with a Tuesday night (or even a Saturday night) at home with a book or watching a movie lying on a close friend's couch in my PJs.

Fast forward to my fourth date with the Friend. We went to a very nice restaurant, which I offered to pay for since he had been quite generous over the first three dates. He proceeded to order the most expensive item on the menu and wolfed it down with terrible table manners. I was a few bites into my meal, when he told me that he's sorry my cousin set us up because I'm so "nice," but he just broke up with his fiancee within the last six weeks, and couldn't possibly get into a serious relationship right now. Being the "nice" person that I am, I tried to make him feel better about it, all the while seething on the inside. Who wastes someone else's time, emotional investment, and money like that?!?! Even at the time, I understood why he wouldn't want to get into a relationship, but I really didn't appreciate being led on like that.

He didn't want to leave after dinner, and I couldn't think of an appropriate way to get myself out of the situation, so we ended up going to a local bar to drink and dance to a cover band. One AM rolls around, and he orders himself an uber for transportation home, and leaves me at the bar to walk a mile back to my house. Again, who does that?!?! Since then, he's texted a few times to see if I want to join his friend brigade, but I'm honestly so turned off by his actions that I'm not even sure I could be his friend. One part of me thinks that I should hang out because maybe he has a cute and normal friend, but I'm pretty sure I don't want to make the effort.

Switching gears to the Scientist. We had a very nice second date: eating sushi at a local restaurant that I love, and then having coffee at a dive-ish coffee shop that we both frequent. He picked me up and dropped me off, and the only awkward part was paying for the meal. I ended up splitting it with him because I wasn't quite sure what to do. During the week the week following, we went out for dessert at a local coffeeshop and chatted for about an hour. I haven't heard from him since.

I know how things went down with the Scientist were slightly my fault. I wasn't all in at first and I put more energy into the Friend than I did into him. I also came to two different pieces of insight that point towards the relationship not actually working in the long term. The first was during a Savage Love podcast, when two drunk college girls were talking about being attracted to their professors' intellect. I was very attracted to the Scientist's brain, but not so much his physical appearance. The second was during a slightly drunken steak dinner with a girlfriend, who asked me "do you like him? Or do you LIIIIIKKKKKEEE him?" And there I had my answer and became content our mutual fadeaway.

This is a freakin' long post, and I'm been struggling to concisely summarize what I've learned from these experiences, since they definitely taught me valuable lessons:

1. Dating isn't that bad! I had some good meals, some good conversation, met some interesting people, and have great stories to tell.
2. Three is too many for me. Better off sticking to one or two! Unless it's for a gang bang, right? And the odds of that happening anytime soon are slim to none.
3. Keep an open mind. I went into some of the dates with a bad attitude, even on the second date. Everyone has potential to be "the one" or even "the one for right now." I need to do a better job of keeping myself open to change and growth.

The February outlook isn't as exciting as the January outlook initially was. But I'm sure I'll have a good story or two coming out of the month and am excited to see what it will bring.

The Search to find Mr. New

Over the weekend, I decided to go a little date crazy. My goal was to go on one date a month. I went on three in one weekend. The story starts a few weeks earlier. I had been chatting with a cute looking guy on okcupid, but it didn't seem like he was going to make a movie. Another gorgeous guy sent me a very blunt note asking if I'd meet up for a drink. In the meantime, I was home celebrating Christmas, and my cousin decided she wanted to set me with one of her friends. As luck would have it, they all wanted to meet up right away, and so I lined 'em all up.

Now, the lowdown: 

1. Date #1, the hot hipster: HH showed up on his bicycle at a hipster dive bar on New Year's Day night. At first, I was skeptical. He had been out drinking with some buddies during the morning, and was clearly nursing a little big of an evening hangover. Yet we had great conversation and shared many mutual interests. So much of my life has been about work over the last year, and yet we found many other things to talk about beyond work. He walked me to the car at the end of the night, gave me a hug, and texted a few days later to set up another date. 
2. Date #2, cute nerdy scientist: CNS is the original okcupid guy. He made a reservation and a good restaurant and was waiting when I got there. Charming, similar background, interesting work ....aaaaand my height. I'm very short. It doesn't take much to be taller than me, and a huge turn on for me is being dominated and then snuggled by a taller man. We kissed at the end of the date, and he also texted to set up another date.
3. Date #3, cousin setup: CS met me on a miserable rainy day close to my house so that I didn't have to go far. We had a late lunch and the conversation was very much deja vu of the conversation I had with CNS. At the end, he also kissed me, but then texted me later to tell me what a nice time he had.

So here is my dilemma. Three men, three different sets of possibility. HH seems to be a great time. I could see us staying up drinking and going out at night, and then having sloppy drunken sex and doing an embarrassing walk of shame. CNS is a slightly introverted nerd, who would probably be sweet and adoring, but I'm not so sure how he would be in bed. He could be the perfect friend, or person to grow old with, but I also want to be fucked. CS is probably the best combination of the 3. Still very attractive, lots in common, and already some family connection. I'm not sure he'd be interested in kinkery, but I bet I could persuade him to be interested. 

I haven't had myself out on the market for a long time, or for very long. How does this work? I know I can keep dating all of them for a while, but how do people have time for that? Is that normal? How often should I try to see each of them? How long to people wait to have sex these days? Part of me is still a slut who will sleep with anyone, but I don't want to ruin a potential relationship by pulling up my skirt too quickly. 

I guess the moral of the story is that I'm proud of myself for putting myself out there. Throughout parts of the dates, and talking to my friends about them later, all I could think about was Howie and how things used to be with him. To quote a popstarwhoshallnotbenames I know that "we are never ever getting back together" but I still can't help comparing how new men act to him. Eventually I'll be able to move on from my feelings, but Howie set the bar high, and mr. new will have a tough act to follow. 

Who knows, though? If I keep up a dating tempo like this, I could potentially meet a hundred eligible bachelors by the end of the year. Now wouldn't that be a story!