The Search to find Mr. New

Over the weekend, I decided to go a little date crazy. My goal was to go on one date a month. I went on three in one weekend. The story starts a few weeks earlier. I had been chatting with a cute looking guy on okcupid, but it didn't seem like he was going to make a movie. Another gorgeous guy sent me a very blunt note asking if I'd meet up for a drink. In the meantime, I was home celebrating Christmas, and my cousin decided she wanted to set me with one of her friends. As luck would have it, they all wanted to meet up right away, and so I lined 'em all up.

Now, the lowdown: 

1. Date #1, the hot hipster: HH showed up on his bicycle at a hipster dive bar on New Year's Day night. At first, I was skeptical. He had been out drinking with some buddies during the morning, and was clearly nursing a little big of an evening hangover. Yet we had great conversation and shared many mutual interests. So much of my life has been about work over the last year, and yet we found many other things to talk about beyond work. He walked me to the car at the end of the night, gave me a hug, and texted a few days later to set up another date. 
2. Date #2, cute nerdy scientist: CNS is the original okcupid guy. He made a reservation and a good restaurant and was waiting when I got there. Charming, similar background, interesting work ....aaaaand my height. I'm very short. It doesn't take much to be taller than me, and a huge turn on for me is being dominated and then snuggled by a taller man. We kissed at the end of the date, and he also texted to set up another date.
3. Date #3, cousin setup: CS met me on a miserable rainy day close to my house so that I didn't have to go far. We had a late lunch and the conversation was very much deja vu of the conversation I had with CNS. At the end, he also kissed me, but then texted me later to tell me what a nice time he had.

So here is my dilemma. Three men, three different sets of possibility. HH seems to be a great time. I could see us staying up drinking and going out at night, and then having sloppy drunken sex and doing an embarrassing walk of shame. CNS is a slightly introverted nerd, who would probably be sweet and adoring, but I'm not so sure how he would be in bed. He could be the perfect friend, or person to grow old with, but I also want to be fucked. CS is probably the best combination of the 3. Still very attractive, lots in common, and already some family connection. I'm not sure he'd be interested in kinkery, but I bet I could persuade him to be interested. 

I haven't had myself out on the market for a long time, or for very long. How does this work? I know I can keep dating all of them for a while, but how do people have time for that? Is that normal? How often should I try to see each of them? How long to people wait to have sex these days? Part of me is still a slut who will sleep with anyone, but I don't want to ruin a potential relationship by pulling up my skirt too quickly. 

I guess the moral of the story is that I'm proud of myself for putting myself out there. Throughout parts of the dates, and talking to my friends about them later, all I could think about was Howie and how things used to be with him. To quote a popstarwhoshallnotbenames I know that "we are never ever getting back together" but I still can't help comparing how new men act to him. Eventually I'll be able to move on from my feelings, but Howie set the bar high, and mr. new will have a tough act to follow. 

Who knows, though? If I keep up a dating tempo like this, I could potentially meet a hundred eligible bachelors by the end of the year. Now wouldn't that be a story!

A New Year!

2014 has not been an easy year. A year ago, I was feeling incredibly positive about life. I had a job I was challenged by, a satisfying relationship with Howie, and was making immense progress on many personal goals. Over the year, almost everything fell apart. I still enjoy my job, but it isn't what it was before. My relationship with Howie deteriorated, and eventually fell apart. I still love him, but we no longer share the sexual chemistry that we used to have, and our friendship is casual and no longer as meaningful as it used to be. One thing I am proud of over the last year is an increased commitment to myself and my personal health. I've gone from a cute and adorable girl, to someone who is not only cute and adorable, but also looks hot in a bikini.

At Howie's request, I gave up blogging a year ago. The blog had become too personal and too close to real life. Now, without Howie in the picture, I want to revive my creative outlet. My postings may be slightly different- not as many deeply intimate sexual stories with a long term partner, but plenty of thoughts and musings about sex, relationships, and finding myself. And possibly a dirty story or two. Or twenty.

I'm not sure how effective New Year's resolutions are. But I do have a few deeply personal resolutions that I'm going to do my best to make, and hopefully build back a group of readers to hold me accountable to:

1. Post at least three times a month: I WANT to share my life. I enjoy it. Other people tell verbal stories or play sports, but I enjoy the written word. Even if I'm the only reader and I'm only entertaining myself, I'll consider the blog a success.
2. Get my sexual mojo back: Losing Howie took away a big part of myself. I used to be so confident about myself sexually and willing to do anything anywhere. Sex in a cemetery on Halloween? Totally. Sex in two different cemeteries? Even better! For a while over the past few months, I wasn't even able to have orgasms. I would half heartedly turn on some porn and then fall asleep mid-movie. I've been getting better over the last six weeks, but I want to go back to the sexually confident and adventurous Candi of the past. 
3. Explore my fantasies: This is a subject for a post of its' own. But there are fantasies I haven't experienced yet. I may not get through all of them this year, but I can certainly make a start. 
4. Live to my intentions: I am not great about discussing my feelings. But last year I decided that my word of the year was going to be impowered. Honestly, I failed at this last year. I let my emotions and negativity lead me down a path that was the opposite of impowered...whatever that might be. This year, my intention is going to be electric. I used to have an electric personality, and in some ways I think I still do. But I want to be electric all the time. I want to walk into a room and light it up with my positivity, instead of hiding behind feelings of insecurity. This is going to be the most difficult of all my resolutions, but I'm going to do it.

So, I'd like to welcome back Candi. She's been missing from my life over the past year and I'm looking forward to her return. Hopefully reviving my writing will help me find myself, and entertain a reader or two. Here's to a deviant and electric 2015 filled with growth and delicious memories!

Resolutions...a Little Early

I should be working on Howie's Christmas present, cleaning the house or doing something productive. But there is something I need to blurt out before I get back to the to-do list.

For an unconventional relationship, Howie and I function fairly well. We live a plane flight away from each other, but usually manage to keep our relationship sexy and exciting through texting or talking daily and seeing each other on a semi-regular basis. The one biggest challenge between us is my jealousy and insecurity.

In a lot of ways, this is the worst time of the year for me. Because of my job, I've barely seen sunlight since September, which I know has an impact on my mood. I don't celebrate Christmas, and it's hard for me to get into the holiday spirit when I don't have anything to celebrate. Christmas parties are fun, but then comes the letdown of being the Jewish kid eating Chinese food and watching movies on Christmas.

The other worst part of the season for me are actually the Christmas parties. I start dreading this time of year around Thanksgiving because I know that there are many parties coming up, none of which we will be attending together. A few years ago, probably before I started really caring about him so much, Howie and I had a quickie in the car before I headed off to the airport and he headed off to a party. A parting though was that he wouldn't be hooking up with anyone else because he had just had sex with me. At the time, that sentiment made more sense. Nowadays, we don't have a monogamy commitment, but have an understanding that we aren't going to go off and have random sex with someone else. At the time he had that thought, it probably was realistic because we weren't as emotionally committed to each other then, our deeper emotional connection is something that has come with time.

But, with my crazy girl brain, I stored that piece of meaningless knowledge away for years, along with a few other similar sentiments (and I know I'm not guilt-free in saying hurtful things, I absolutely say things without meaning to). We've even talked about how him saying that made me feel, and I know that our friendship is so important to both of us that throwing it away for some meaningless ass would be a big waste. He's also repeated teenage girl rhetoric at me about a man that cheats on you isn't worth your time. Which in my 30s I should clearly believe.

I should also throw in here that Howie has no such worries. I don't want to hypothesize on his thought process, but I know he trusts me to be a sane adult, and to tell him if I am involved with someone else.

Now back to crazy girl brain. Knowing that I am insecure and jealous, I've tried really hard to watch what I said over the last few weeks and I truly do believe that there is no cheating going on anywhere. But on Friday, I snapped. And the words were like a train wreck coming out of my mouth. I'm not going to go into the specifics of what were said, but it started with me asking him to call me on his way home and him telling me he'd text since it would probably be late (and I have the cough of doom and have spent days passed out on my couch). Totally a reasonable answer, but crazy girl brain took it to mean that he didn't want to talk and/or would be too busy getting his cock sucked by someone else. And it all went downhill from there, culminating in jealousy that he was dancing with other girls while I watched reruns of bad cooking shows and coughed (very attractively, of course) while whining about never being taken dancing. Which I also decided to continue into Saturday morning.

I'd like to think that crazy girl brain has gotten better over the last few years, but really I'm not so sure. I think I'm just more aware of what I said, and the collateral damage that I leave behind.

Every year, Howie and I come up with a New Year's resolution together. We've tossed around a few ideas for this year, but haven't yet picked one. He, however, has a list of personal resolutions a mile long, while my only response to the question was "mehhhhhhhh." I've decided that this is my personal resolution for the year: I'm going to work on my jealousy and insecurity issues. I know I'm a smart, cute and funny woman, but I sometimes lose faith in myself and take it out unnecessarily on those closest to me.

So, I'll end this long rambling post with a public apologize to Howie. He puts up with a lot of crap from me, and is a really good friend for doing so. And I look forward to another year of making (or breaking) our joint resolution together.