Airport Conundrums

I've been doing a lot of thinking about Aziz over the Ramadan period, partially instigated by a current friend's situation. This friend is a stoic type of man, but clearly very involved and in love with both his wife and his children. His wife recently began having an emotional affair with another, and they are currently discussing a separation. I've gotten close with this friend over the last year, and often compare workouts and discuss social plans and books. There is no emotional connection between us, but he's someone I enjoy chatting with as a friend. Listening to him agonize about his wife, and her accusations (partially founded) that he isn't as emotionally involved with her as he should be, I can't help but think about Aziz. 

Over the months that we've been dating, Aziz hasn't taken the proper time to get to know me. He doesn't know that a specific day of the week is deadlift day or what my favorite meal is. When I ask him about his day, the only response I get is "fine" and maybe a little bit more. Is this enough for me? I want and need both a physical and emotional connection from my partner. I need to know that he is totally focused on me and that I am the center of his world. Maybe its a problem with the language barrier. Or maybe its a symptom of Ramadan and that he won't see me. But I want to hear more about his day and his friends, and I want to be included in his post-fast meals, not just as an extra to visit well after sundown. I'm not sure if what Aziz is offering is enough for me.  

I saw Aziz for the first time since Ramadan began a few nights ago, when I insisted that I see him before I left for a trip that will take thru the remainder of the fast period. I know that I am so irresistible for him. We sat in the car and kissed a little bit, and he couldn't even look at me (even though I was wearing gross old PJ pants and a t-shirt) when I left because he was so afraid that he'd follow me into the house. In some aspects, that feels great- knowing that I have the power to make him feel like that. But he needs to be able to control himself enough to see me and be part of my life, unless I'm just a piece of ass to him. And if I'm just a piece of ass, let's just leave it at that. We can fuck and have a whole bunch of great orgasms, but don't need to have an emotional connection. 

Another twist that I didn't discuss in the June dating update is another person I've gone on a few dates with- Mike. I was so furious with Aziz when he brought up Ramadan, that I decided to go on a date with someone else. In so many ways, Mike is what I want. Educated, fun, similar interests and caring. The one downside is that I don't feel the level of chemistry that I feel with Aziz with Mike. Mike and I have amazing and fun dates, but kissing him doesn't get me hot and bothered. I've given him four dates now, and the feeling hasn't changed.

I'm currently sitting waiting for delayed flights that are going to get me to my destination well after 2am. I told both men about the situation and the possibility of me sleeping in the airport. Mike's response what that even though he was going to sleep, he'd be waiting for my texts and wanted me to keep him posted on my progress. Aziz's response was "gosh."  

This all comes down to what is more important to me. Am I willing to feel like a second class citizen to Aziz for some really hot sex? Do I forego the hot sex for a steady relationship with Mike? Or do I throw them both away and start over? I'm feeling more and more like waiting for Aziz is not what I should be doing- especially knowing that he has a number of commitments that will keep him busy through September. I just want it to work so badly and we would be such a fairytale couple if we were able to make it work. And I also wish he would help me understand why after waiting for me for three years he isn't interested in making an effort to keep me. 

I know I'm not going to get answers to any of these questions as I sit here tonight, but writing all of this certainly helps to put it in perspective. And even though I'm not really ready to write the words down, the perspective kinda sucks. So I guess this is a story to be continued....

June Update!

I've had a request from a reader for an update...and I could not be more thrilled by the request! Thanks for the kick in the ass to get myself in gear! The truth is that there are so many updates, and I'll cover them all one by one.

Howie: My friendship with Howie has suffered unfixable damage. It isn't my story to tell, and one that I don't feel comfortable talking about here. I take full responsibility for some of the damage, but I will spend the rest of my life wondering how important to him I actually was. I may go back and document some of our super hot sex (the cemetery story still needs to be told and I hope he'd be ok with me telling it), but he is no longer close to my heart- a truth that devastates me.

Abram: OVER! And not a bad thing. I struggled with Abram for months (as the last update talked about), and was in the process of figuring out that he was more friend than lover when I met the person I'll talk about next. A huge clincher was when I timed him arriving and my house and me hopping out of the shower. His response was to cover his eyes rather than look at me naked. DONE AND DONE! We also went on a hike a week earlier, and he refused to walk more than a few feet from the car. I'm the type of girl who would happily roll in the mud, and this did not go over well with me.

All of this leads me to my next (and current) story!

Aziz: A little over three years ago, someone who works in the same building complex as I do passed me his business card with a note on the back saying "I think you are the most beautiful girl and I'd love to buy you a drink." At the time, I was holding a giant torch for Howie, and decided to pretend like it never happened. In classic Candi style, every time I saw him for the next three years, I would run away. Because that's TOTALLY mature. I bumped into him in the cafeteria at the end of March of this year, and he asked me out for a second time. It was early, I was pissed off at Abram and I didn't have a good reason to say no. So I agreed to go out and have one drink with him that Friday. Well, one drink turned into last call, and I was smitten halfway through that first drink. I spent the night at the bar in his arms while talking, laughing and stealing kisses. I remember getting dressed to go out and texting with Howie that I was so annoyed that I had even agreed to go. And waking up slightly hungover the next morning feeling truly happy for the first time in a long time. 

Dating Aziz has its ups and downs, and if we are able to make it work, we will truly be the American dream. Aziz was born in a Muslim country and immigrated to the US in his twenties. He is very dedicated to his friends and family, and often works second or third jobs to send money home to his parents, which makes it difficult to spend time together. He also occasionally doesn't have a problem with canceling plans last minute because he's exhausted from working too hard or needs to do something for a friend. Yet, if something breaks at my house or I need a ride somewhere, all I have to do is ask and he is there. All of this leads me to spend half the time thinking he's an insensitive douchebag and the other half wildly in love with him. I've been in rollercoaster relationships before, and I'm still undecided as to whether or not I want to continue on this one. It's currently Ramadan, and we are on somewhat of a hiatus. I'm trying to decide how invested I'll be once its over. 

But...since this is a sex blog...OMG the sex. We waited a couple of weeks before we got into bed (mainly because he was working so much) and holy crap was it amazing. I had convinced tmyself hat after Howie, I would never find anyone who is as adventurous as I am, but I think I've found my match. Even standard vanilla sex is amazing, and he'll let me fuck him as long as I want- until I'm a sweaty drooling mess and can't move anymore. I'm sure that he's been with a ton of people with the type of work he used to do in his twenties and early thirties, but how good we are together surprised both of us. One morning, we were half asleep spoon fucking, and after he came, he muttered that he "didn't know it could be like this." From my perspective, I knew things were on the right track when he picked me up from the airport after I had been away for two weeks, and he leaned my chair back and gave me two orgasms as he drove me home without caring who in the world could see. I'm also so attractive to him that I've made him cum in his pants just by sitting on his lap while I talked on the phone at work, without any lap dance-style moves, which definitely makes me feel good about myself. He's also talked about going to a sex club with me so that other people can watch us fuck.

All of this kind of makes me wonder. Aziz is a semi-traditional Muslim dating an American girl and had sex with her after a month of knowing her. Is this just a fling for him? Does he tell me he loves me just to keep the sex coming? Does he have a wife waiting for him at home? I honestly don't mind if this is a fling for him, but I hope he's being honest enough with me before my heart gets too invested. I have friends on both sides of the fence and I know I have to make up my mind soon.

AND UPDATE OVER! Wow, that's a long one. I hope you read until the end! I'll keep everyone posted on how things go over the rest of Ramadan as our hiatus ends and things go back to normal. Or as normal as they can be in my world...

February Dating Update

February has been a strange dating month. I was slightly discouraged at the end of January, and was debating dropping out of the game entirely. Rejection hurts, even when it has to do with someone else's baggage. Yet I managed to pull myself off the floor and back onto OKcupid.

I started chatting with someone based on their interests, not actually assuming it would go anywhere (because, at least for me, 95% of the conversations are duds). Turns out he is almost seven years younger than I am: from early-thirties to mid-twenties. Quite the age gap. Yet we met up to grab coffee and seemed to have some chemistry.

Since I do love to give everyone nicknames, lets call him Abram. After coffee, Abram never really left. He brought me dinner in a snow storm, takes me on dates, complimented the tacos I made for him for a week and is generally a nice guy. We are compatible to the level of lying on the couch for a night binge watching Jinx and talking until the middle of the night. Which is secretly a fabulous night in my books.

But there's one catch. And it is kind of a major one. Abram is concerned by my age, and justifiably so. He made a comment about how it bothered him on our second or third date. And I assumed that I'd never hear from him again after he said that, and I was okay. But he still kept coming back. And texting and calling and all the normal things that people rarely do.

The last time I saw him, a couple of nights ago, we were drinking a bit, and the subject of dating came up. We were talking about what we wanted in a partner, when he asked me if I considered us dating. My response was purposefully vague, because I don't want him to feel pressured. He then made a comment about have been drinking too much and changed the subject. We talked for a few more minutes before he realized that I was cold, and proceeded to pull me into his arms for the next several hours.

And the problems get deeper. Because it wouldn't be a Candi story without problems. We've fooled around exactly once. And it didn't even get that far. Since then, we've kissed and we've snuggled. But all clothing has stayed permanently attached to our body. It doesn't matter what type of seduction technique I've tried, short of sticking my hand down his pants and pulling his cock out, nothing has worked. And I'm rapidly approaching that point.

All of this makes me assume that I've been put safely in the friend zone. But at the same time, he continues to show up at my house every other day and takes me on dates. I talked to Howie about it yesterday (yes, it is quite odd to be talking to my old lover about my new problems. But he's turned into quite the good listener) and he hypothesized that Abram could possibly not be that experienced and that I should keep trying. I find it hard to believe that someone in their mid-twenties could be inexperienced, but it is possible. He also reminded me about how pissed off I'd be if all Abram wanted was to fuck and leave, rather than building a relationship first.

All of that said, I still don't know. I know he's been on OKcupid since we met, which is totally fine because I don't even know if we are dating. Chances are good that he is still looking for someone else since he's been logged in. And I also know that I haven't heard all that much from him since the dating conversation a few days ago, which is slightly unusual for him.

This whole situation reminds me of myself when I was slightly younger than Abram. I met Sean in my mid-twenties when he was in his mid-thirties. Sean was ready to settle down, get married, etc., when I met him. I was so not ready at the time, and eventually drove him away with my immaturity. He ended up cheating on me and then shacking up with someone for a few years, before finding someone else who he married and eventually had a child with. I couldn't be more happy for him. Fast forward almost ten years and there is me, ready to at least have a stable relationship, and a mid-twenty-something living in a rented room. Chances are good that Abram looks at my life and isn't ready to be part of it. In which case, I don't think I can blame him.

Beyond the positive of having a few weeks of good company, I've also learned some interesting tidbits about my sex drive as part of this. If I have someone to be attracted to, my sex drive returns with a vengeance. I had an amazing drive when I was with Howie, even if we didn't see each other for months at a time. The dirty pictures and thoughts kept me going and feeling good about myself. I've always had someone like that in my life, from the time I started thinking about sex in middle school. The last six months was the first time that I haven't had a willing sex partner or plaything. And the lack of that person made me feel so unattractive to myself that I didn't even want to get off. As soon as I started getting turned on by Abram, my sex drive came back. I've watched more porn in the last three weeks than I have in the last six months combined. I hope that I can keep feeling good about myself even if he is no longer in the picture.

This may be the February wrap up, but I have a feeling that there is more to come with this story. It could be spectacularly bad, with me sticking my hand down Abram's pants and not getting the response I was hoping for, or it could be spectacularly good, with a steady sex partner who also will take me to dinner. Stay tuned!!

The Dating Moratorium

I technically wrote this post in January, but never had a chance to post it up to the blog. I'm making a few minor addendums and counting it as January post. That totally works, right?

I'm ending January the same way I began: single. But! I did manage to go on eight dates. Does that count as eight for the year? Can I take a month off? Six months off? If I average out to one a month by the end of the year does that count?  I never set ground rules for myself during my resolutions, but I'm thinking no.

One of the things that I learned from all these dates is that three people is too many for me to deal with simultaneously. I'm sure that many women would love to be in that position, but for me, remembering details and facts about three different people, making time to stay in touch with all of them, and having the energy to interact with them was just too much for me.

I decided that one date with the Hot Hipster was enough after digesting how I felt about the other candidates. We started texting to arrange a second date, but I felt like he was trying to fit me in the schedule between play auditions and roommate interviews. And having a roommate at the age of 40 seemed a little extreme to me. So that was that.

Then it came down to the Cute Nerdy Scientist and the Cousin Setup. Originally, I was feeling more inclined to the Scientist, but let myself be convinced that my Cousin's friend was a better idea. I blew off a date with the Scientist by claiming to have the flu, and to be fair a number of people were sick at this time, but instead went out on date #3 with the Friend.

So many things about the Friend seemed so sweet. He actually called (not texted!), checked in to see how I was doing while I was out of town, and legitimately seemed like he cared. For the few weeks that we dated, I had some lingering suspicions in the back of my head that things weren't right. He was constantly going out, consistently needed friends around, and could never spend time alone. I'm more of an extroverted introvert. I see nothing wrong with a Tuesday night (or even a Saturday night) at home with a book or watching a movie lying on a close friend's couch in my PJs.

Fast forward to my fourth date with the Friend. We went to a very nice restaurant, which I offered to pay for since he had been quite generous over the first three dates. He proceeded to order the most expensive item on the menu and wolfed it down with terrible table manners. I was a few bites into my meal, when he told me that he's sorry my cousin set us up because I'm so "nice," but he just broke up with his fiancee within the last six weeks, and couldn't possibly get into a serious relationship right now. Being the "nice" person that I am, I tried to make him feel better about it, all the while seething on the inside. Who wastes someone else's time, emotional investment, and money like that?!?! Even at the time, I understood why he wouldn't want to get into a relationship, but I really didn't appreciate being led on like that.

He didn't want to leave after dinner, and I couldn't think of an appropriate way to get myself out of the situation, so we ended up going to a local bar to drink and dance to a cover band. One AM rolls around, and he orders himself an uber for transportation home, and leaves me at the bar to walk a mile back to my house. Again, who does that?!?! Since then, he's texted a few times to see if I want to join his friend brigade, but I'm honestly so turned off by his actions that I'm not even sure I could be his friend. One part of me thinks that I should hang out because maybe he has a cute and normal friend, but I'm pretty sure I don't want to make the effort.

Switching gears to the Scientist. We had a very nice second date: eating sushi at a local restaurant that I love, and then having coffee at a dive-ish coffee shop that we both frequent. He picked me up and dropped me off, and the only awkward part was paying for the meal. I ended up splitting it with him because I wasn't quite sure what to do. During the week the week following, we went out for dessert at a local coffeeshop and chatted for about an hour. I haven't heard from him since.

I know how things went down with the Scientist were slightly my fault. I wasn't all in at first and I put more energy into the Friend than I did into him. I also came to two different pieces of insight that point towards the relationship not actually working in the long term. The first was during a Savage Love podcast, when two drunk college girls were talking about being attracted to their professors' intellect. I was very attracted to the Scientist's brain, but not so much his physical appearance. The second was during a slightly drunken steak dinner with a girlfriend, who asked me "do you like him? Or do you LIIIIIKKKKKEEE him?" And there I had my answer and became content our mutual fadeaway.

This is a freakin' long post, and I'm been struggling to concisely summarize what I've learned from these experiences, since they definitely taught me valuable lessons:

1. Dating isn't that bad! I had some good meals, some good conversation, met some interesting people, and have great stories to tell.
2. Three is too many for me. Better off sticking to one or two! Unless it's for a gang bang, right? And the odds of that happening anytime soon are slim to none.
3. Keep an open mind. I went into some of the dates with a bad attitude, even on the second date. Everyone has potential to be "the one" or even "the one for right now." I need to do a better job of keeping myself open to change and growth.

The February outlook isn't as exciting as the January outlook initially was. But I'm sure I'll have a good story or two coming out of the month and am excited to see what it will bring.

Sexual Cravings

I crave rough sex more than anything else. I'll never forget the first time a lover introduced me to pain in the bedroom. I was on a business trip to a desolate Southern city, and was eating dinner solo in an Applebees's bar...which alone is a sign of trouble. A regular sat down next to me, and, in typical Candi fashion, I had him taking me for post-dinner drinks at the hillbilly bar next door. I was a good girl that night- and insisted on returning to my hotel room alone. The next night was different. He invited me to his apartment, and cooked what I later found out was the only thing he knew how to make: spaghetti and meatballs. One bowl of mediocre spaghetti later and I was hooked. It didn't take long before our clothes were off and we were rolling around the bedroom. At some point that night, he reached up with his mouth and bit my breasts hard. At first, I was shocked, but then realized that the pain amplified my orgasms. He kept biting and I kept cumming. For the first time ever, I had to wear a scarf at work the next day to cover the bruising. 

My relationship with this lover, we can call him Sean, lasted for about nine long-distance months. It was a relationship of firsts for me: my first long-distance love, my first romantic vacations, and most importantly, my first vibrator and my entry into the world of rough sex. I don't think Sean or I realized that we would become serious, and I headed home a few days after we met. The next few months were filled with talking on the phone and quick weekend visits. Between one of these trips, a surprise package arrived for me with my very own Rabbit, and instructions not to use it until Sean called. That began a period of intense phone sex. In those days before FaceTime and naked selfies, I had to rely on his words, imagery and instruction to get myself off. I found myself enjoying the direction more and more as the weeks went on. Our in-person sex became rougher as we learned more about our interests and fantasies over the phone. Hair pulling, spanking, minor breath play, and of course more biting became the norm.

My relationship with Sean eventually ended, but we stayed in touch for a couple of years after that. We fooled around a few times in between other relationships, and I always relished the sex we had, because I intrinsically trusted him to stop before I had too much. I participated in much more intense scenes during this time, including one memorable occasion where I got fucked in the ass while being choked (within reason) with a partners' tie. So incredibly hot, but it didn't reach the level of what I had with Sean.

All of these other hookups and scenes were missing something, and it took me a long while to figure out what it was. Sean may have been rough and always had his way with me, but he would never do it if we didn't have the time for him to care for me afterwards. He would make it a priority to hold me or snuggle me and make sure that I knew that I was loved and cherished. I wrapped that feeling of security and safety up with the rough sex, and relished the pain because I knew that it was all part of the feelings of safety and love I would get afterwards. Although Sean and I didn't necessarily know what subspace was at the time, he took care of me for as long as I needed. 

I also had very similar experiences with Howie. I knew that I could ask him to do anything to me and he would gladly do it. I could be as hurt and exhausted as I wanted to be at the end of a day of sex, and I always knew that he would help hold me in the shower, and that I'd have a spot ready to snuggle up under his arms.

All of this leads me back to my current craving. I need to get fucked. I have been desiring and wanting and dreaming about rough sex for months. I miss every part of it: my head jerking back as my hair is pulled, someone squeezing my ass so hard that I can't sit the next day, rough stubble dragged all over my tender skin again and again, bite marks covering my body, my hands tied behind my back, spit and cum covering my body, and my head being held down as someone fucks my mouth. 

But entering that headspace for me comes with a cost. I need to be held after and made to feel cherished. The feeling of being loved is wound tightly with the feelings of pain. I've been toying with the idea of getting more involved with fetlife. There is no doubt in my mind that within a week I could have whatever I wanted done to me...except for the aftercare. I'm sure I could find someone with the decency to hold me or shower me, but there is no way that I we would have the level of trust, respect, and understanding that I built up with previous partners over a period of time. 

To me, this doubt could be different things. Part of me wonders if I'm not ready to trust anyone yet. Maybe I need time to heal and have more vanilla sex? But the other part of me just wants to throw myself back out there, to hell with the danger. Everything that happened with Sean and Howie happened because I was lucky to find them. I have had plenty of partners over the years that haven't been able to provide the full package, but have been able to enrich my life in their own special way. Maybe by continuing to play musical partners I'll find what I need? 

All I know for sure is that I'm going to get into bed tonight wishing that I had to sleep on my side because my back had been so torn up by a partner's stubble that the feeling of my soft sheets is too abrasive. Ah, to dream...

The Search to find Mr. New

Over the weekend, I decided to go a little date crazy. My goal was to go on one date a month. I went on three in one weekend. The story starts a few weeks earlier. I had been chatting with a cute looking guy on okcupid, but it didn't seem like he was going to make a movie. Another gorgeous guy sent me a very blunt note asking if I'd meet up for a drink. In the meantime, I was home celebrating Christmas, and my cousin decided she wanted to set me with one of her friends. As luck would have it, they all wanted to meet up right away, and so I lined 'em all up.

Now, the lowdown: 

1. Date #1, the hot hipster: HH showed up on his bicycle at a hipster dive bar on New Year's Day night. At first, I was skeptical. He had been out drinking with some buddies during the morning, and was clearly nursing a little big of an evening hangover. Yet we had great conversation and shared many mutual interests. So much of my life has been about work over the last year, and yet we found many other things to talk about beyond work. He walked me to the car at the end of the night, gave me a hug, and texted a few days later to set up another date. 
2. Date #2, cute nerdy scientist: CNS is the original okcupid guy. He made a reservation and a good restaurant and was waiting when I got there. Charming, similar background, interesting work ....aaaaand my height. I'm very short. It doesn't take much to be taller than me, and a huge turn on for me is being dominated and then snuggled by a taller man. We kissed at the end of the date, and he also texted to set up another date.
3. Date #3, cousin setup: CS met me on a miserable rainy day close to my house so that I didn't have to go far. We had a late lunch and the conversation was very much deja vu of the conversation I had with CNS. At the end, he also kissed me, but then texted me later to tell me what a nice time he had.

So here is my dilemma. Three men, three different sets of possibility. HH seems to be a great time. I could see us staying up drinking and going out at night, and then having sloppy drunken sex and doing an embarrassing walk of shame. CNS is a slightly introverted nerd, who would probably be sweet and adoring, but I'm not so sure how he would be in bed. He could be the perfect friend, or person to grow old with, but I also want to be fucked. CS is probably the best combination of the 3. Still very attractive, lots in common, and already some family connection. I'm not sure he'd be interested in kinkery, but I bet I could persuade him to be interested. 

I haven't had myself out on the market for a long time, or for very long. How does this work? I know I can keep dating all of them for a while, but how do people have time for that? Is that normal? How often should I try to see each of them? How long to people wait to have sex these days? Part of me is still a slut who will sleep with anyone, but I don't want to ruin a potential relationship by pulling up my skirt too quickly. 

I guess the moral of the story is that I'm proud of myself for putting myself out there. Throughout parts of the dates, and talking to my friends about them later, all I could think about was Howie and how things used to be with him. To quote a popstarwhoshallnotbenames I know that "we are never ever getting back together" but I still can't help comparing how new men act to him. Eventually I'll be able to move on from my feelings, but Howie set the bar high, and mr. new will have a tough act to follow. 

Who knows, though? If I keep up a dating tempo like this, I could potentially meet a hundred eligible bachelors by the end of the year. Now wouldn't that be a story!

A New Year!

2014 has not been an easy year. A year ago, I was feeling incredibly positive about life. I had a job I was challenged by, a satisfying relationship with Howie, and was making immense progress on many personal goals. Over the year, almost everything fell apart. I still enjoy my job, but it isn't what it was before. My relationship with Howie deteriorated, and eventually fell apart. I still love him, but we no longer share the sexual chemistry that we used to have, and our friendship is casual and no longer as meaningful as it used to be. One thing I am proud of over the last year is an increased commitment to myself and my personal health. I've gone from a cute and adorable girl, to someone who is not only cute and adorable, but also looks hot in a bikini.

At Howie's request, I gave up blogging a year ago. The blog had become too personal and too close to real life. Now, without Howie in the picture, I want to revive my creative outlet. My postings may be slightly different- not as many deeply intimate sexual stories with a long term partner, but plenty of thoughts and musings about sex, relationships, and finding myself. And possibly a dirty story or two. Or twenty.

I'm not sure how effective New Year's resolutions are. But I do have a few deeply personal resolutions that I'm going to do my best to make, and hopefully build back a group of readers to hold me accountable to:

1. Post at least three times a month: I WANT to share my life. I enjoy it. Other people tell verbal stories or play sports, but I enjoy the written word. Even if I'm the only reader and I'm only entertaining myself, I'll consider the blog a success.
2. Get my sexual mojo back: Losing Howie took away a big part of myself. I used to be so confident about myself sexually and willing to do anything anywhere. Sex in a cemetery on Halloween? Totally. Sex in two different cemeteries? Even better! For a while over the past few months, I wasn't even able to have orgasms. I would half heartedly turn on some porn and then fall asleep mid-movie. I've been getting better over the last six weeks, but I want to go back to the sexually confident and adventurous Candi of the past. 
3. Explore my fantasies: This is a subject for a post of its' own. But there are fantasies I haven't experienced yet. I may not get through all of them this year, but I can certainly make a start. 
4. Live to my intentions: I am not great about discussing my feelings. But last year I decided that my word of the year was going to be impowered. Honestly, I failed at this last year. I let my emotions and negativity lead me down a path that was the opposite of impowered...whatever that might be. This year, my intention is going to be electric. I used to have an electric personality, and in some ways I think I still do. But I want to be electric all the time. I want to walk into a room and light it up with my positivity, instead of hiding behind feelings of insecurity. This is going to be the most difficult of all my resolutions, but I'm going to do it.

So, I'd like to welcome back Candi. She's been missing from my life over the past year and I'm looking forward to her return. Hopefully reviving my writing will help me find myself, and entertain a reader or two. Here's to a deviant and electric 2015 filled with growth and delicious memories!

Resolutions...a Little Early

I should be working on Howie's Christmas present, cleaning the house or doing something productive. But there is something I need to blurt out before I get back to the to-do list.

For an unconventional relationship, Howie and I function fairly well. We live a plane flight away from each other, but usually manage to keep our relationship sexy and exciting through texting or talking daily and seeing each other on a semi-regular basis. The one biggest challenge between us is my jealousy and insecurity.

In a lot of ways, this is the worst time of the year for me. Because of my job, I've barely seen sunlight since September, which I know has an impact on my mood. I don't celebrate Christmas, and it's hard for me to get into the holiday spirit when I don't have anything to celebrate. Christmas parties are fun, but then comes the letdown of being the Jewish kid eating Chinese food and watching movies on Christmas.

The other worst part of the season for me are actually the Christmas parties. I start dreading this time of year around Thanksgiving because I know that there are many parties coming up, none of which we will be attending together. A few years ago, probably before I started really caring about him so much, Howie and I had a quickie in the car before I headed off to the airport and he headed off to a party. A parting though was that he wouldn't be hooking up with anyone else because he had just had sex with me. At the time, that sentiment made more sense. Nowadays, we don't have a monogamy commitment, but have an understanding that we aren't going to go off and have random sex with someone else. At the time he had that thought, it probably was realistic because we weren't as emotionally committed to each other then, our deeper emotional connection is something that has come with time.

But, with my crazy girl brain, I stored that piece of meaningless knowledge away for years, along with a few other similar sentiments (and I know I'm not guilt-free in saying hurtful things, I absolutely say things without meaning to). We've even talked about how him saying that made me feel, and I know that our friendship is so important to both of us that throwing it away for some meaningless ass would be a big waste. He's also repeated teenage girl rhetoric at me about a man that cheats on you isn't worth your time. Which in my 30s I should clearly believe.

I should also throw in here that Howie has no such worries. I don't want to hypothesize on his thought process, but I know he trusts me to be a sane adult, and to tell him if I am involved with someone else.

Now back to crazy girl brain. Knowing that I am insecure and jealous, I've tried really hard to watch what I said over the last few weeks and I truly do believe that there is no cheating going on anywhere. But on Friday, I snapped. And the words were like a train wreck coming out of my mouth. I'm not going to go into the specifics of what were said, but it started with me asking him to call me on his way home and him telling me he'd text since it would probably be late (and I have the cough of doom and have spent days passed out on my couch). Totally a reasonable answer, but crazy girl brain took it to mean that he didn't want to talk and/or would be too busy getting his cock sucked by someone else. And it all went downhill from there, culminating in jealousy that he was dancing with other girls while I watched reruns of bad cooking shows and coughed (very attractively, of course) while whining about never being taken dancing. Which I also decided to continue into Saturday morning.

I'd like to think that crazy girl brain has gotten better over the last few years, but really I'm not so sure. I think I'm just more aware of what I said, and the collateral damage that I leave behind.

Every year, Howie and I come up with a New Year's resolution together. We've tossed around a few ideas for this year, but haven't yet picked one. He, however, has a list of personal resolutions a mile long, while my only response to the question was "mehhhhhhhh." I've decided that this is my personal resolution for the year: I'm going to work on my jealousy and insecurity issues. I know I'm a smart, cute and funny woman, but I sometimes lose faith in myself and take it out unnecessarily on those closest to me.

So, I'll end this long rambling post with a public apologize to Howie. He puts up with a lot of crap from me, and is a really good friend for doing so. And I look forward to another year of making (or breaking) our joint resolution together.

Rape Fantasy

So I'll start this off by saying that the ONLY way I'd explore a rape fantasy is with someone I trust completely. I once pushed my comfort levels with a past partner and was tied up and fucked when I wasn't necessarily comfortable with the situation. Howie is someone that I've known for years, and as I talked about in my Sexual Boundaries post, I know that he would stop well before anything got out of hand or I was physically or emotionally hurt.

The other day Howie and I were talking about some drama and something being like a soap opera and he sent me the following texts (slightly grammatically cleaned up): Oooo can it be one of those latin soap operas where you and I have a fight!? You slap me across the face, and I grab you and pull you in for a passionate kiss? You try to fight me off but you give in begrudgingly, because you are still pissed at me. You are still pissed, but your soaking wet pussy betrays you and allows me to have my way. Then I betray your pussy and bend you over a table, pull up your skirt and begin to rape your ass.

He quickly followed it up by saying: Well, I guess that is more rape than soap opera, but you know what I mean. 

My first reaction probably wasn't the same as most people's would be, I thought about the fact that I would never hit him. I love a good smacking and some pinches, but I don't think I could ever hit him more than a playful swat on the ass.

To me, this is more of a fight fantasy than a rape fantasy, even if it did include nonconsensual sex. This scenario would absolutely be high up on my list, but I think that my rape fantasy would be slightly different. For one, I wouldn't want him fucking my ass like that- getting my ass fucked leaves me feeling emotionally raw, and I wouldn't want it to happen with any anger, even fake anger, as part of the scenario. I'd also want it to have more of an element of surprise than the outcome of a fight. Maybe have him lurking around my bedroom when I come home from work and don't expect him, or to have him pop up outside my house and drag me inside. The best part would be having him bend me over the table and hold me down as he fucked me, without being able to move or have any control. 

I've listened to a number of podcasts about playing out this type of scenario, and know that it all has to be well planned out ahead of time. Dan Savage had some very sage advice in a podcast that I listened to a few years ago and wish I had kept. I wouldn't want Howie to appear and blindfold me without letting me know who was doing it. But planning out the scenario and then having it happen at a date of his choosing would be perfect. The anticipation of knowing that the fantasy is eminent would keep me in a heightened state of awareness, possibly for weeks.

Has anyone else ever thought about being raped like this by someone that they love and trust? Is it something too dangerous to even consider? 

Wrapped

I try to give Howie a homemade and/or personal present every year for Christmas and his birthday. Some years have been better than others...last birthday was an epic failure with some 'pornigami' that turned into a few scrappy cat faces and a heart. I turned to alcohol after several hours attempting to make a pussy and failing miserably every time. Better received presents include a set of handmade (and relationship appropriate) sex coupons and list of memories: one for every year he had been alive.

 

I'm sure he'll read this eventually, but I'm struggling with what to make him this year. I tried out my new vibrator last night, and it is so stellar that I'm not sure what I can and should give him. Cookies or a mix tape just seem so inadequate after a present that will keep on giving for a long while to come. Or cum. Heh.

 

I know already what Howie is going to say after he reads this. That I don't need to give him a present and that he's happy that he is able to give me something that I'll enjoy, and that we will probably enjoy together at some point. I could always buy him a gift card or a shirt or one of the other random presents that you buy people, but I really like presents with some thought and creativity behind them.

 

So, my readers, what are some of the best presents that you've given to a lover or significant other? Anything from a handmade and crafty gife to a trip around the world or some amazing piece of art that you hang in your house and look at every day. I'm excited for your inputs!